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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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Such lovely thoughts, @marty1996. I so appreciate you sharing these with Connect! As you are comfortable doing so, could you share a little more about your son? I would enjoy learning more about him, he sounds exceptional.
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2 ReactionsThanks so much, Teresa. I know this too will pass but we need each other in this time of trial. I really like to hear all the comments from other people and hope a few of my messages are helpful for them also
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3 ReactionsThank you all for your responses to my post about my current grief. Writing things out like this helps me immensely in the "moving on" aspect of grief. I not only need to acknowledge it, I need to write it down.
I have one last grief unrelated to my Mother's health issues.
I have been largely homebound since 2011, but Covid-19 has sent that to another level. Businesses are closed or working reduced hours; curbside or home delivery removes even walking up to a counter with another person on the other side. Events are cancelled, postponed or held in empty arenas. So, not only am I home alone, I can no longer even watch people out and about enjoying life and events. I did not realize how this would impact me. I think it is probably a good thing for us all to experience and that we will come out better on the other side, but going through it has finally touched me on a personal and emotional level.
Blessings to all as we work through our near future to the "World After Covid-19"
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4 ReactionsWell where would I start ? First I'd like to say I will take any moment in time to talk about my Marty 🐻. Thank you so much.
He was a bear a gentle giant
6"4 280 lbs and full of love and life.
His name is Martin Fernandez please feel free to look him up on FB that's how proud I am of him. His family and friends continue to keep his memory active. I have two Son's My oldest is Mick 🍀 also my treasure and Marty was our baby born 4/26/96.
He had a rare way of touching people's lives at times when they needed him the most without using his size but his heart and kindness to resolve the issue. He was a rescuer of hurting hearts. He was a comedian anything to make you laugh. Both Sons great Cooks.... PLEASE I CAN GO ON ABOUT BOTH OF THEM SO PROUD.💙💙❤
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3 ReactionsOk the hard part as I said my son was a protector well he died doing just that. On November 19, 2017 San Jose CA. I apologize I don't have the strength to tell the story so I will copy and paste link.
If you find interest.its ok💙❤
Just Google Martin Fernandez
21-year-old man stabbed to death in San Jose is identified - The Mercury News
Crime & Courts ... PUBLISHED: November 23, 2017 at 12:46 p.m. | UPDATED : ... who was stabbed to death in his San Jose home has been identified
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2 ReactionsThank you so much. Tend to be much like my son a happy goblucky positive although private person. I want send great thanks to all of you that took interest in this post a minute to draw my attention because I have been looking at this grief group for a while , well you know thank you...😪😉💙❤
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4 Reactions@marty1996 Im so sorry for your lost I have an only son and this has to be so devastating . The tribute you gave for Marty was very heartwarming . I know he feels your love and always will as you will his. God bless you .
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3 ReactionsThank you, the hardest part I have to say is when I hear that someone else suffers a tragic death lose it's almost like well reliving but he was so full of joy it's hard to be sad like he he would not approve.💙 again thank you🍀
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3 Reactions@marty1996
I realize from experience that the pain or sadness does lessen over time, but I think that most of us just learn to live with the feelings of loss eventually. One of my sisters died too young in her 50s with no diagnosis for the symptoms she suffered with. Of my five siblings, I was closest to her, so I think I grieve her transition to heaven more than I would if it had been another brother or sister. For a long time I would have a question or problem that I'd want to discuss with my father, but then it would hit me that he was gone.
I appreciate the words I've been reading here the past few days. Words of tribute are encouraging words.
Jim
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2 ReactionsHello Jim
I do hope this is helpful to and others. But I find at there a certain butterfly at the lake or a hawk on the way home from town or then maybe it's that Cardnel that hangs out in the yard by the bird bath. I really don't know but I do believe that My 💙 watches over us. He's with me in one form or another sometimes silly smells. Anyway sometimes it gets me through crying and a memory makes us smile which was always better in Marty's eyes. Thank you and bless you.
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