@georgette12

One of my therapists talked with me several years ago about deserved and undeserved guilt. It was helpful for me to work through areas of guilt, separating the deserved from the undeserved. As I worked through that I was able to release the wrong guilt, and stop letting the incident or person have control of my life.

That's not an easy task. I don't know if I'd ever have been able to do it on my own, but having a good therapist to talk about stuff I'd never verbalized made it possible.

I suppose that you know about my history of suicidal ideation. It's almost like a trance. When you reach the point of putting a plan into action, and having decided to do it, the suicidal mind is not in rational mode. Suicide becomes the only rational solution for whatever is causing pain. Explaining that "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" is total nonsense to the suicidal mind. Of course, it's a permanent solution! That's exactly what I want!

At the moment I attempted suicide, my brain was shut down in terms of remembering the reasons for staying alive. Those reasons become irrelevant. I know it's sad, but it's true.

Over the past ten years I've been able to recognize the early warning signs, and in time the reasons I want to live come back into focus. I wish that suicidal thoughts would disappear, but it's a little like neuropathy, in that some things will be with me for the rest of my life.

I'm sorry for the pain I've caused my wife and children. That regret is part of the "rest of my life" package.

Like so many other things, it's hard to explain to someone who's never had those thoughts. I'm sorry for the pain you carry, even though it's a little bit lighter than at first. I hope what I've written isn't upsetting to you.

Jim