Hello Danielle, I have been thinking about you and your family often. I mentioned that I could share some thoughts from my own grief journey, just want you to know that everyone grieves differently. So what may be helpful for me may be irrelevant for you. I have read a lot about grief and how our culture responds to grief. It has helped me have a framework for the craziness and helped me realize that a lot of the emotions I experience are normal for grief. Just knowing that the feelings were normal was strangely helpful.

Anger, feeling lost and purposeless, feeling you have nothing to offer your other children, feeling out of control, feeling guilt, despair...those can all be normal grief responses. Many who have not experienced intense grief just wanted me to be positive and happy. Those were not attainable goals for me. Happiness was certainly not something I could begin to imagine in the early months of grief. I had to focus on getting through each minute.

I am learning to change my expectations from people, even dear friends. All my relationships changed after the death of my child. Not all were lost, but all were changed. Grief affected every part of my life. At first I expected people to know how to support me, but often I was disappointed and felt more lonely than ever when support sounded more like people correcting me on being sad. That is not what I needed. Grief is actually a healthy response to loss, and many did not understand that.

It helped me to express my grief and let my anger out in ways that did not hurt myself or others. I wondered for awhile why I felt such intense anger, and I think for me it was the feeling of being completely out of control. The most precious thing was taken from me, and I could do nothing about it.

I tried a few different grief counselors/therapists, but I have yet to find the "right" one. The ones I heard from told me to do yoga and focus on the positive...that didn't cut it for me. I have heard from others that you have to find the right one. What did help was being part of a group of women who shared similar loss. Those shared experiences helped me realize I am not the only one struggling with the loss of a child. I still hope to find a therapist who will be helpful in my situation. I hope that you can find someone to connect with as well.

I didn't like the idea of "moving on." Another grieving mom talked about "moving forward with the loss." That resonated with me, as I didn't feel I was leaving my child's memory behind, but moving forward with him in my heart. I remember you said Danica taught you so much about life and love, and she is part of who you are. Her story continues through you.

It has been two and a half years since my son died. Moving forward has not come in clear ways or even by me seeking it. It has come in thousands of tiny steps, interactions, thoughts, grief work, talking, journaling, expressing all the hard stuff, and recognizing perspective on grief. Nature has helped clear my mind in the chaos.

I will give one bit of advice. Try to be kind to yourself. Grief is exhausting and hard to carry. Try to give a lot of grace and forgiveness to yourself. You don't have to be something now. Just take care of yourself. In time other things will fall into place.

I am wishing you so much love and strength!

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