@sadiesmom I am proud of you for continuing to try. Knowing that you will never be a grandmother is one area of extreme heartbreak for me also. I wanted a large family but was only allowed two children. One child is handicapped in multiple areas and will never have a child. The other is dealing with emotional issues and also will probably never have a child. So I don't expect to expand my family with grandchildren either. I have been borrowing for many years and continue to do so. My solace is the children of nieces, nephews and friends. Some other options might be volunteering at the library, playground supervisor or classroom assistant, or teaching children at your church. Working with children can be so fulfilling. Hopefully you find something soon. Blessings.