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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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That's exactly what I need.....hugs, hugs and more hugs. Thank you for your kind and caring words. I am so sorry about what your family has been through. It seems as though some come through life "unscathed" and others get everything horrible tossed at them.....
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4 ReactionsThat was what was so hard....he had endured the worst of the worst while at war but couldn't fight the demons once he got home. Yes, multiple deployments are very common in our military these days. He would get back to the states for 3 or 4 months (getting acclimated to being home) and then off he went to the other side of the world. He said when he got back no one really knows anything about war until you experience it..The only thing that gets me through the day is knowing he is in the arms of our Lord Jesus Christ and is finally at peace....I pray every day that I can join him soon.
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3 Reactions@grandmar
Your kids sound very well adjusted with a sense of humor! How nice. It sounds as if you raised them well. I'm sure you will enjoy your mind for many years to come.
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3 ReactionsThank you very much! They both do have a good sense of humor, especially my son. My daughter is a lot more serious; I guess that comes with working with people who are in hospice and with people on dialysis. But they are good kids, in spite of me!
I do hope you are right about my mind!
Thaniks
Ronnie (GRANDMAr)
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2 Reactions@sadiesmom Don’t look forward to joining him, you are still here for a reason.
I really hate to see you allowing your grief to control you. There are many things you can do to feel good again, like volunteering at some worthy, local endeavor. I spent time volunteering at a food bank sorting contributions. I had to stop because I was having problems with my knees and it was four hours of standing. When I was single I volunteered at a group home for foster children.
Find something that interests you and lend a hand. You will feel good afterward and may make some new friends. You need to have something to feel good about.
JK
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1 Reaction@sadiesmom It is difficult when we sink this low to see hope or even think about things getting any better. Is there anyone you can talk with-even a grief counselor. You are praying you can join your son soon. Is there a minister?? I realize taking the initiative seems overwhelming. Is there family or friends? there are times we do need help with our grief. Coming here is a start. Maybe you need more. Checking your area for grief counselors would be a start. You are not responsible for what happened to your son. Try to honor him by getting some help.
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3 ReactionsYou may find comfort and hope in two reliable websites, https://www.opentohope.com/ and https://thegrieftoolbox.com/ I write for both of them. These websites helped me in 2007 when four family members, including my daughter, the mother of my twin grandchildren, all died. Open to Hope also has a radio program and a television program.
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4 Reactions@harriethodgson1
I just took a look at thegrieftoolbox.com and was very touched by the posts. Thanks for letting us know about it.
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3 ReactionsI have tried everything. I did connect with an excellent grief counselor from church but she got a boyfriend and moved away. I was devastated. I recently joined a Compassionate Friends group but most of the members are couples; moms and dads who have each other to lean on. Being divorced, I don't have that. I always feel like the "fifth wheel" in these situations. I see them holding hands, husbands comforting their wives with their arm around them and there I sit....alone. There are times when I would pay for a hug....literally. Even those of us who grieve the loss of a child don't really know what to do for someone like me. I need a real connection but in seven years, haven't found that. No support from my family. My daughter lives an hour away and she rarely even mentions her brother. I know she is grieving but in a different way. My sister told me one time that I was making losing my son "all about me". WTH? I am his mother. I still recognize his birthday (which no one else ever does), I still think about him every single day. I think about the love that he missed out on by not marrying, having children, grand children.....all of the things we assume will happen in our lives, don't. My daughter doesn't have any children, nor is able to have any. I'm never going to be a grandma, which is excruciating. I have tried volunteering in the schools but they keep putting me in the office to help the secretaries when I really want to work with the kids....It's not for lack of trying and putting myself out there. I have done everything and anything I can think of to find some kind of purpose in this world. But I haven't been able to do that. I am desperately searching, praying, and hoping for a real miracle....I don't know how much longer I can do this.
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4 Reactions@sadiesmom
At Connect, we cannot make medical diagnoses, however, it does sound like you are suffering from Complicated Grief. I would suggest that you seek out another professional counselor who can help you. It sounds as if you have tried a lot of self-help methods, but you undoubtedly need more professional help. Here is some information from Mayo Clinic's website about complicated grief,
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/symptoms-causes/syc-2036037.
Also, here are some YouTube videos that address the topic of Complicated Grief,
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=complicated+grief
I urge you to seek out a professional psychologist and/or psychiatrist for help with your grief. You deserve a better life and I'm sure your son would agree.
Will you schedule an appointment with a professional?
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2 Reactions