@hopeful33250 This was the first one I listened to and I then started to understand some better about self harming. I know I have a hard time with the feeling I am bad and this is why bad things happened. At times it is so hard to see anything good about life and this world. More to it than depression and PTSD. Just don’t know anymore. Currently I am not even excited about flowers. Just isn’t worth it right now.

This was a great video for anyone who is trying to "figure out" why they aren't "normal". My mom had me when she was barely 14. She and my dad married and have been married for 61 years. They both came from traumatic childhoods but I never recognized that until I became an adult. My parents went on to have 3 more children after me, giving them 4 kids by the time my mom was 20. That was back in the 50's. I guess it wasn't totally out of the norm to have kids at a young age. I didn't know any better until I started kindergarten and I would hear other kids asking me if my mom was my mom or my older sister. I also heard comments from room mothers about how young my mom must have been when she had me. I guess I felt like I was well-adjusted and didn't know the difference. As time went on, I grew into quite a chubby little girl. I can remember my mom jerking me around in dressing rooms when it came time to buy school clothes, or special occasion dresses; i.e. Christmas, Easter, etc. I can remember how I felt. She was angry at me for something I couldn't control. She was feeding me what I was eating. But looking back, I think I developed an eating disorder from all the comments and subconscious "things" I was trying to figure out in my mind. And I was embarrassed....of myself and my situation at home. At no time we were ever physically or sexually abused. Never. But my mom wasn't mature enough mentally or physically to take care of 4 kids at such an early age. She was a stay at home mom, cooked and cleaned. There was always a hot meal on the table. We were active in sports. I was a straight A student. But I always felt like there was something wrong with me....When I was 16 I became pregnant with twins. My mom never gave my sister nor I "the talk" and to tell you the truth, I really had no idea about sex or pregnancy. I think I was searching for some kind of love and attention and started dating the brother of my best friend. When my parents figured out that I was pregnant, they were mortified. I remember being called a slut, whore, "loose", and I as whisked away to get an abortion. I only found out when I was on the table in the middle of the procedure that I was carrying twins. I begged the doctors to stop. I wanted to talk to my parents and tell them that I could not go through with it. It didn't happen. I was traumatized beyond words. It happened that day and it was never, ever mentioned again. Ever. I graduated from hs with honors and always dreamed of being a teacher. I was told there was no $$ for college so I'd better figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life because after I graduated, I was on my own. My senior year, I quit cheer leading, dropped out of academic classes and took business classes to learn to type, do office work, etc. I started working the day after I graduated. My parents did let me stay at home the next year because I was working and able to "pull my own weight" and went on to marry my high school sweet heart. As most little girls always dream, I wanted a church wedding and my boyfriend and I saved every dime we could to pay for it. My mom never went dress shopping with me or had any interested in the planning of the wedding. It was in the earl 70's and nothing fancy but there were plans that needed to be taken care of. My grandmother did everything with me. As life went on and there were other big events in my life, my mom was never there for me. When I would get a better job, she would ask me who I screwed to get it, etc. My husband and I bought and sold little homes to get the down payment on a permanent family home as we had two children of our own by them. My mom berated me telling me that I thought I was better than everyone else in the family because we had a new home. I had almost every family function, holiday, etc. in that house because I loved having my family and I WANTED to do it....I wasn't shoving what I had accomplished down anyone's throat. They were glad to come and partake of the parties, that's for sure. My daughter had a stroke when she was 12 years old. She wasn't expected to live. She is now 38 and is doing fine. She still has some residual affects from the stroke but is gainfully employed, drives and is doing better than anyone ever expected her to be. My mom was little support during this time. My grandmother stepped up. I don't know what I would have done without her. When my son graduated from high school (shortly after 9/11) he decided to enlist in the Marine Corps. I begged him not to. He was in his second year of college and wanted to be a teacher and football coach (his passion). He left for boot camp on 1/13/2002 and was in Iraq by September of that year. My life came crashing down around me. It was the worst of the worst. My son was in the middle of the war at 19 years old and there wasn't a damn thing i could do about it other than pray, pray, pray. When he returned home from that first deployment, we were all elated.....God had brought him back to us and he was ok. Three months later his unit redeployed and this time it was holy hell. He was stationed near Fallujah and if any of you know anything about the was in Iraq, Fallujah was the hot spot. He had a very difficult time on that deployment, having lost three of his buddies literally right before his eyes. I had started a new job and was under so much stress. My husband was no support at all. No one in my family was either. When my son returned home, he was a mess. PTSD and a TBI debilitated him. But, he was a Marine and three months later was headed back to Iraq for a third tour. I went over the edge. Depression and that out of control feeling over came me. My husband grew more distant. I came home from work one day and found him loading up his truck. He told me he met someone at work and he had filed for divorce. I was devastated. Our daughter still lived at home and she was beside herself that her dad would leave the family when there was so much going on. We divorced, had to sell that dream home everyone begrudged us about and for the first time in my 56 years I was alone. When my son was finally discharged, he was a mess. PTSD, TBI and he had become an alcoholic. His dad was no where to be found. I begged my ex, my family and the VA for help but there was none. On the morning of 1/3/12, my 29 year old son took his life. There are no words to explain the heart ache and shock of losing a child, much less to suicide. That was 7 years ago. My family has totally abandoned me because I can't "move on". They live 10 minutes away and I rarely see or hear from them. I have been in every kind of support group, been on medications, been to grief retreats but I just can't get out of this deep, dark hole. I really want to leave this earth but can't do that to my daughter. She has already lost her brother and her dad isn't in her life. I know this is a lot....and it is....but I just can't figure out how to keep on living....