@hopeful33250
Hi!
I am new to this group. Things popped up on my email, but I really didn't know if I wanted to participate. Then, I saw a posting and realized that I think I still have a lot of feelings I need to share.

My mother was a non smoiker who was surrounded by lots of smokers most of her life. She always had this cough that we attributed to "having a fog in her throat." I cannot remember how or under what circumstances, but our PCP heard something he didn't like. Again, I cannot remember the procedure, but I do remember getting a call from my father that my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. I fell apart on the phone. I was told that if I was going to react that way, information would NOT be shared with me. Wasn't I allowed to react? This is my mother, the non-smoker, the person who always took care of herself, the person who came from a family of longevity. She was about 64 at the time.

It took time, but we were able to get he an appointment at Sloane Kettering Hospital in NYC. It was decided she would have chemo. We were also told that she was terminal because they could not find a tumor, just cells. It was believed that the lungs were NOT the primary site, but they didn't know what was. My mother would not let me come over to her house when she was recouping from the chemo. Secretly, in my heart, I was happy. I know it sounds HORRIBLE and I am SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF. I NEVER shared this before. I couldn't bare to see her sick!!! I did not think I would be able to clean her up, is she needed it. The SHAME IS DISGUSTING and I THINK OF IT OFTEN WHEN I THINK OF HER.

We were told that IF the chemo worked, she would have 2-4 years. Mom developed neuropathy and had a hard time walking. She was always an active person! It was taking her longer and longer to recoup from the chemo. At some point, it was decided to stop the chemo. I do not know who decided or why. I wll never forget when I got the call to come down to the hospital. I walked into the room and Dad was there holding her hand. Her eyes were closed and she did not talk when we were there. Her belly was distended and her eyes were sunken. It did not look like my mom! It was difficult, but I kissed her good-bye and told her I loved her. My brother told her it was OK to go.

I went home. I no longer lived in NYC, so I was staying with my in-laws. As soon as I walked in the door, we got the call that she was gone. She wouldn't die in front of me or my brother. Because of us, she lingered. I don't know if she was in pain or not. My mother was 66 years old when she passed. I was 31, about the age she was when she had me. I thank God she got to have a relationship with her grands and to see that her children were on there way professionally and as good adults and parents.

It's been 35 years. It was very rough. I developed intestinal issues which the doctor said would last about 2 years, once my body was out of shock. I would drive to and from work and sometimes I would know how I got there. I physically felt like I had a hole in my heart that would never be filled again. To this day, I still miss her terribly!!!!!! In the beginning, I would see her as she was when she passed, rather than how beautiful she was. After years, that changed. I'd dream more pleasant dreams. I still dream of her, looking healthy, young and beautiul. However, she NEVER talks in my dreams. I want to talk to her so badly and tell her about me, her grands and her great-grands.

You know the question about 'If you had an opportunity to speak with just one person, who would it be?' It would be her for sure! I do have to say that I did grow up with my dad. Until the day he died, I was his baby girl. He went on to live about 20 years after my mom died. He never remarried but he did have 2 long term relationships, which I was fine with. I have regrets about him, too, but I really don't want to bore you any more.

Thank you for letting me go on and on!
Ronnie (GRANDMAr)