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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
Loss & Grief | Last Active: Apr 7 12:18pm | Replies (932)Comment receiving replies
Hi Teresa .... great post! I have 2 totally different experiences .... I'll try to keep them short. I was an only child raised in a totally alcoholic home .... my whole maternal side were alcoholics. My mother always seems to hate me, be a problem to her, always in the way, and her favorite name for me was "you rotten little SOB." I hid a lot, got locked in closets, dragged to bars (not lounges ... nasty bars) every weekend, and just generally was mocked and set up for ridicule every chance they could get. My father also was an alcoholic but had very little to do in my life .... I was "the great disappointment " ..... I should have been a boy. My mother died at 60 years old from alcoholism and esophogeal hemorrage, and my father died about 10 years ago from Alzheimers. Being the only kid, I was the one responsible for seeing that they were in the best place and got the best care. When they both died, I felt nothing ..... I did not shed one tear. I just went through the motions ... I didn't know them, and they didn't care one whit about me. In therapy, after about 10 years, it came to me that my mother just did what was done to her ... I saw her in my mind as a little girl with a tough Scotch woman as a mother raised in rural Cape Breton Island. That really softened me up quite a bit to her, but still no grief.
Ten years ago I got divorced, after a 40 year marriage to a Narcissist who belittled everything I said, did, wore. I thought it was "normal" as that was the way I was treated in my family's home. Well, during therapy and the reading of several books, I realized it was NOT good and NOT healthy for me. So, after 4 years of struggle to get him into marriage therapy, I realized he had not one good thing to say about me except I was a good mother. Now I'm not belittling that at all, but it showed he had no clue who I was at all. We got divorced, and all during this time - about 6 years of pain, I grieved, cried, couldn't believe he thought so little of me, and even had a breakdown. Thank God for a wonderful therapist who walked me through years and years of that terrible time, and for the Psychiatrist who helped me with the anxiety and depression. I now feel free, have moved near my girls (which has been tough in itself), but I have freedom for the first time in my life. I am NOT stupid, I CAN make my own decisions, and I WAS a good mother, as shown by my 3 kids.
abby
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Amber, I can relate to not being wanted. I am the last of six children. I think the first one was absolutely wanted. My mother had three boys. First one, she thought was God's gift--she loved him soo much. Second child a boy, passed away at ten months. Very Sad. Third child a boy. My father was an alcoholic and was so mean when he was drinking. My mother had a girl whom my dad loved. Eight years later, another girl came along--she was hit by a car when she was a toddler. My mother took such good care of her, she adored her. Eighteen months after girl number two, I came along. She was not happy about having another child. Does a child know she is not wanted. She does when her father calls her the black sheep and she gets blamed for everything bad that happens. Scapegoat. My sister was born with beautiful curly hair--me? straighter than a poker. People would say: Isn't she cute, why she's darling, she's beautiful. EWWW, what happened to her (me)? Her hair. My sister could sing beautifully--I couldn't ever carry a tune. She's sing and everyone raved. I tried to sing. Ha Ha I even got kicked out of a kid's church choir. People laughed. I was so embarrassed. Mortified. Told I was ugly when compared to curly Sue. Well, when you believe something, you live with it. My mother loved my father all the days of their lives. They were married 56 years and passed at age 76. I begged her to divorce him. She said it wasn't that easy. She couldn't work at a job. Her legs were ropes of varicose veins. She had so many health issues. Anyway, I married a very handsome, I can't write the words on paper, person who never really loved me. When I was pregnant, he was never home, when he did come home, he had lipstick on his lips and face. Me, nine months pg and he comes home at three am, only God knows where he was. I could write a book about my horrible life and all my operations and illnesses. The only saving grace is, I believe in God and I will have a better life in the future. I want you to love yourself. You were not a mistake and neither was I. God loves you very much. We all do. That's why we are here. To share, to give you a virtual hug. Woogie