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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
Loss & Grief | Last Active: Apr 7 12:18pm | Replies (932)Comment receiving replies
Thank you so much for your reply @hopeful33250
I hadn’t received any replies and it was quiet in my emails and I started wondering what was going on and then realized for some reason the Mayo Clinic posts were going into the spam folder...
it’s still so hard to talk about this. But I want to try to talk about my brother without feeling like it might dissolve me. Let’s see, my brother was very smart. (I HATE using the past tense so much) He was an electrical engineer. He was incredibly generous and funny. He was a godparent to seven children, including my own son. He used a big chunk of his pay to buy all of those kids presents every Christmas. That’s an image of him that always comes to mind, his visiting us at Christmas with his arms completely laden with presents. He always got me and my mom a purse every year. He was quirky and hilarious. He’s send me weird little Bugs Bunny clips. He loved Game of Thrones and 007 movies. He was no-nonsense and very honest. At his funeral, the cathedral was filled all the way to the back. He was lovable and kind...we called him Pooh Bear. Everyone called him that. He had so many friends... but they’ve gone on with their lives... and we are still here, missing him. I just can’t seem to be able to reconcile with an existence that doesn’t include him. Even though he was always busy working and living his life, it gave me solace that he was out there. And now he’s not. And that is a very lonely, terrible thought. I always thought he’d communicate “somehow” that he was alright. Religion was always a part of my life...but I haven’t prayed since this happened. I can’t conveive of a god (right now) who would do this to us. We never even got closure as we never saw his body. I just don’t know why this happened. My family has always been good, hard-working. And if this is what you get... sorry, I’m very bitter and angry. And I’ve already written far too much. If anyone out there read all this, thank you. (Grief sometimes feels almost self-indulgent to me)
Anyways, thank you so much for your advice. I’ll keep writing about him but hopefully only to myself.
Replies to "Thank you so much for your reply @hopeful33250 I hadn’t received any replies and it was..."
Hello @mar1222
It is so good to hear from you again - thanks for giving us some images of your brother. He sounds like he was a terrific person and I can understand the void you feel in your life right now. It is tough to go on without an important family member.
Grief can be a complicated process and writing is a very good way to break through to a new life. As @IndianaScott said in his post above,
"We who are grieving are living, not in a 'new normal', but in a different world where grief is now a partner with us. Our love for the person we lost is now replaced by the grief over that love lost. It is not simple, easy, nor quick to overcome. Love is like that, right?"
Try to keep those thoughts in mind. Allow your loss and grief for your brother to become your partner, try not to fight it or to overly-indulge in it.
Are you a reader? A book was written many years ago about a man who lost his wife, one child and his mother in a auto accident (their vehicle was struck by a drunk driver). He was a seminary professor and therefore a person of faith, however, in his book, A Grief Disguised, the author, Gerald Sittser, writes about his issues and anger with God who would let this happen. If you could get a copy of this book and read just a few pages a day, it might be very comforting to you right now.
Thank you again for sharing your story of grief on this forum. I'm enjoying getting to know your brother!
Teresa
Hello @parus
I wish I could "double-like" your message. Great words of encouragement! Teresa
@hopeful33250 Aw shucks...and thank you. I only write what I believe and feel. I will take that double-dip of like and remember thus.
@mar1222 I am touched by your grief and how it is affecting your faith. I believe that God does not make bad things happen to us, but rather allows evil to exist and affect our lives as a part of our free will. I believe that this is a test of your faith set before you by evil and God needs you to manage this period of your life to His glory. That may sound trite or be too much for you to take in now, but it gives me comfort in my grief. Blessings to you and your family.
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@mar1222 I did read all of your words. Your brother was a special person and try not to feel you are being self indulgent. Many of us know that anger is a part of grief. It has been over 40 years since my father's death and I still have rough times. As hopeful shared-we all grieve differently. The more you write and share if you like the more healing may come. The hurt you have is immense. Understand the being strong for others. Oft the family cannot provide the support and understanding you need. You wrote you will keep writing about him and "hopefully" only to yourself. Writing is helpful...so is sharing. Your brother gave happiness to many.
Yes, using the past tense is very hard. Part of the grieving and acceptance journey. you do not need to be sorry for how you feel. It is okay to question God...and to even be angry with Him. Hugs and share as you can. I like hearing about your brother.