Hi
This is my first post
I’ve been reading some of the others’ replies and I’ve been trying to muster some courage to write. I lost my brother a year and a half ago in a plane crash. It’s been terrible for my family...we can’t seem to get over it. I understand that bad things happen, and that people die. But when the odds of something like this happening are so low...you just feel especially hated by the universe. I know that’s not a logical thought but it’s something I think about every day. I feel stuck in this grief and anger and don’t really know how to get unstuck. I need to try to find a way to go on with my life but I’m finding it so difficult....I just wanted to share that. Thank you

Hello @mar1222 and welcome to Mayo Connect and to our discussion on grief and loss.

Your feelings are so understandable! Your brother's death was completely unexpected. But please know that you are not alone. The stages of grief certainly include anger and we all move through grief at different paces.

You say that you feel stuck and don't know how to move forward. Have you talked about this with anyone else? I'm thinking of a grief group or a private counselor. If you haven't, please consider it. The best way to get "unstuck" is to keep on talking so I hope that you continue to post here.

I'd also like to tag Scott, a fellow Mentor, @IndianaScott, who knows a lot about grief after the loss of his wife, and also Member, @georgette12, who lost a son. Also, @mamacita, another Mentor who also has encouraging words for our Members.

As you continue to post on this site, you will find support and encouragement. I look forward to hearing from you again.

Teresa

@mar1222 Glad you found a place where you can share. There is nothing logical about grief. Be kind and patient with yourself. Was your brother older or younger than you are?

Hello @mar1222 While I am sorry to read of your journey though grief, I am pleased you found Mayo Connect! I am Scott and I lost my wife almost exactly two years ago now. The doctors said her chance of dying from her situation was "one in a million". The odds make no difference in loss. Just as I have individually found my grief does not follow the supposed steps or stages of grief I have read about. I am still learning to, and working on, managing my grief over this loss. The same is true for our adult children as well as her closest friends. We each follow a path as unique in grief as was our love for the person we lost. Unfortunately, I cannot offer any magical words or equation for escaping our new world.

Often (well meaning) folks say things essentially suggesting I need to 'move on' or 'get over it'. I have now taken to replying "I was married to my wife for 41 years. When I have grieved for 41 years, perhaps then you can tell me to 'get over it'. My grief is now a part of me just as my wife is not. You cannot tear a part of you away and not hurt from it!

We who are grieving are living, not in a 'new normal', but in a different world where grief is now a partner with us. Our love for the person we lost is now replaced by the grief over that love lost. It is not simple, easy, nor quick to overcome. Love is like that, right?

The one physical thing I do is keep a running list of things I want to do. Usually simple things like call a certain friend, write someone, fix something, and on occasion go someplace. I never complete an item on the list without adding a new one to the bottom so the list never ends. This helps me (it may not help others) move towards tomorrow since I know there is something for me to look forward to.

I look forward to also hearing from you again!

I wish you continued strength, courage, and peace.

@hopeful33250 So true. I know I can be a downer and trying to change. I know I do not stay around negative people if I can help thus. I am sorry for not being more encouraging. I am working on this.

Thank you for your response
He was younger
38

I’m just sitting here crying @IndianaScott I am so sorry for your loss. What an incredible love story, though!
I have had people tell me to “Get over it” also and it’s infuriating. The one time I broke down at work (I’m a teacher) one if my principals said she wished I could schedule these things better and not interrupt the work day..... that felt awful.
I really love the list idea and I am going to start it RIGHT NOW!
Thank you again and thank you for sharing your story.

@parus I believe that you will succeed! Teresa

@IndianaScott

Scott, I just love what you say about, "We who are grieving are living, not in a 'new normal', but in a different world where grief is now a partner with us. Our love for the person we lost is now replaced by the grief over that love lost." You have created a great word picture about "partnering with grief" this is so true! Thanks for those thoughts.

Teresa

Thank you, Teresa, aka @hopeful33250