This is my first visit to this thread. I am so grateful to have found it. I come from a large family with 2 even larger extended families. I have lost many loved ones during my brief lifetime and can attest that my grief for each is different based on the relationship (or not) we had during their lives.
The people I miss the most are the ones that showed me love even through discipline and let me know that they cared about me. Other people cannot relate because they either resented being corrected or considered me favored and/or spoiled by the deceased. I still sometimes feel so much loss. My selfish self wants to talk to them about things, get a hug, have them sit with me or hold my hand when I suffer. Then I remember the agony and difficulty they faced the last days of their lives and remember that they lived long, fruitful, productive, and full lives. They gave me every good thing they had to give and deserve to be where they are now. I cannot resent their joyful lives in Heaven and am eager to be with them again there.
The people I feel most conflicted about are the ones that "should" have loved, cared and protected me and did not. Other people cannot relate because they were not treated the same way and did not witness or believe my betrayal. I am relieved these people are deceased, but do not feel comfortable speaking freely about that feeling because it seems that everybody else lauds these people. I feel guilt for feeling relief. Then, I resent their praise for the deceased. it feels like a second betrayal. I pray a great deal about forgiving everyone involved and focusing on the present. But I still keep my guard up because of my belief that "birds of a feather fly together." By that I mean that I don't fully trust anyone that did not see or does not believe my reality about the people that betrayed me when I was a child.
I have only felt anger once over a deceased person. That was a teenager who absolutely knew better but drove under the influence, without safety belts, and too fast for the roadway and conditions. Even driving too fast under the influence, they would have all survived and those hurt would not have been as badly hurt if they had only used their safety belts. What a waste of young lives and potential. I have a handicapped child who exerts as much willpower and effort to walk one block as these young people would exert to hike one mile of the Appalachian Trail. It isn't fair. I do understand that their values were formed by their families and friends and I am not responsible. It still bothers me.
I only treasure "links" from the people I miss. I have my grandmother's opal pin, my father's foreign money from when he was in WWII, my other grandmother's rocking chair. I have mementos from the people I feel conflicted about. I keep them to help me remember how it could have been and how it really was. I also keep them because other people expect it of me. Since they think I should feel such devastation, I feel like I need to keep something from them.
I am going to ask this here because I still do not understand it. After my father's funeral, mother said to me, "You lived him best." Does anyone have any ideas on what she might have meant by this?
Thank you for providing this opportunity to share and thank you to any of you who have read this entire missile. It has been quite cathartic for me.