@georgette12 You bring up a good point! Friends often do not understand the power of grief, do they?

Teresa

Ain't it the truth!?

You are so right hopeful. Often, well-meaning people, who perhaps have not gone through what we have will say the "annoying" oh, you'll be fine .... just get out there and get busy. My father died of Alzheimers about 15-20 years ago, and as you know, it's a sometimes slow, sometimes fast progression downwards. I do think I was grieving right from the get-go .... he became a shell of the man I once knew as Dad. There were a few times which stung deeply and really dug that knife of grief in even more deeply ... one of which when I went to see him and he had no idea who I was. I can still see where he was, where I was standing. When he said that, my X turned and walked out of the room .... I don't know if he was feeling badly (doubtful as he's an N), or just wanted to escape. There were several times during those several years of his deterioration that things like that happened. I know I was grieving to some extent all through that time, but ..... when he finally died, I felt sick, even though I knew he was out of his suffering, if he even knew. I think I walked through the next few months like I was in some sort of fog ..... not with it, but able to do what was necessary at home. I still think of him and how horribly my mother treated him, and it pains me. He was what you call a "functional alcoholic" to the extent he was able to work til he retired and later the Alzheimers showed up in full. My mother was an "ugly alcoholic", and as much as I hate to say this, I honestly don't know if I ever grieved her death. She made it almost impossible. Grief is one of those things that everyone experiences differently, and for some ..... we may not feel any at all.
abby

As I wrote this, all the thoughts of my Dad passed through my mind and heart ..... and then again the tears start. As I think back over my parents' relationship (or non-relationship), my heart aches for him ..... everything he had to put up with ..... the hateful venem spewed from my mother's mouth. God rest his soul.
abby

@amberpep I appreciate your sharing these very difficult thoughts. I can understand them entirely. My mom, while not an alcoholic, also had a very venomous tongue due to mental illness and my dad was quite passive. It is a very frustrating place for a child to be raised, isn't it?

The tears that are starting are good thing. Tears based on sadness and grief expel toxins that build up and getting them out is a good thing. (See an article from Psychology Today that discusses the health benefit of tears, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-freedom/201007/the-health-benefits-tears).

Teresa

The grief lasts that long? I'm like 45 days out from when my wife disappeared from my life. Head is still foggy but I don't want to worry about this for that long. We were together for almost 22 years.

Please trust me on this, it happened during a Reiki experience 20 or more years ago, rather not go into detail publicly (but will privately), but I ASSURE YOU that a love that strong is too strong to end at death. Your wife is with you, albeit as a soul, and is probably around you, knows everything, and wants the best for you to move on to happiness (just as you would have wanted for her had you gone first).

Georgette, I've got a large family and most of them are glad that my wife disappeared. It's apparent now that they did not like her. There may be good reason for that now on my part. Mary left gossip bombs behind as she left, don't know how long she was planning this. I guess I should have gotten a clue but I gave her my trust, she betrayed that trust.
People who don't understand that this heart ache stuff is real have never lost a loved one. A young lady I've know since she was four years old had just received notice from her husband that he is divorcing her. I stood in the parking lot talking with her for maybe an hour because she was so distressed. I was able to listen and really understand because this is my second divorce and both were long term marriage's. Funny thing is they both ended pretty much the same, some difference but basically the same, lying, cheating, deceiving. Mezi needed a hug before we parted.
I lived near the school drop off and Mezi's aunt would pick the kids up after school. We were friends with the aunt so she asked if the kids could come to my house until she got here. Sure no problem. One day we were sitting on the porch and all the kids except Mezi, who was about 5-6 years old, were playing in the pasture. Mezi and I were talking and out of the blue she said, "If we were the same age I'd date you." Very touching statement. I'm a good guy so don't think anything else.
Like you say, grief is hell.
Empathy!

@amberpep I can relate to your feelings about your dad not knowing you. My mother has dementia (they don't call it Alzheimer's) and I have tried to prepare myself for the day she does not know me. Her dementia has progressed very slowly and I am hopeful that she will pass before she no longer knows me. That is selfish on my part, I know, but I look for whatever comfort I can. Of greater concern for my mother is her arthritis and osteoporosis. Her entire skeletal system is heavily involved and she lives every day in varying degrees of pain. I know when it is a really bad day when she uses her wheelchair. She sees that as giving in and giving up. Thankfully we have been able to convince her that safety is better than risking a fall when she has a bad day. When she does pass I know I will have the same mixed feelings I had when my father died. I was relieved that he not longer was in pain but missed him not being available to me. Not that I lean on either of them heavily for support, but just knowing that I could see or talk to him every day was a comfort.

I also relate to your questionable lack of grief for your mother. One of my siblings tortured and abused me when I was a child and I cannot honestly say that I was sad when he died or that I have ever missed him. Sometimes I feel a little guilt about that. I have to leave that one in God's hand. He knows everything already and I trust Him.

You remain in my prayers for peace and comfort during this transitional time in your life. Blessings to you.

I am sorry for all that you are going through. My dad developed dementia. When I went to the neurologist with him, the doctor said it was different than Alzheimer's. If it is of any comfort to you, my dad never got to the point of not knowing people. For him, it was more forgetting to do something or where something was, etc. For example, he turned on the stove then went into his den to watch TV. He never put a pot on the stove nor did he cook anything. Yes, this was very dangerous, but thankfully the woman who cared for him saw the stove was on when she was going into his apartment.
As for the pain your mom is going through, I understand how she is feeling. I suffer from chronic pain and I, too, feel like I am giving in when I spend the day in my chair or take an electric scooters in the store. It is certainly an unreasonable way to feel, but I do, and I bet your mom feels the same way.
I also understand your feelings about how you will feel when your mother passes. It is NOT selfish to want her to remain with you. This is your mother. My mother died from cancer. I adored her and NEVER wanted her to leave me. I knew at the end, it was the best thing. I certainly did not want her to suffer, but I didn't want her to go, either. I didn't know if I would survive. I did, but not without any impact to my mental health. It's been almost 30 years and still miss her all the time, but I know she is in a better place.
The life and death of people we love is scary and sad. We want them to be with us forever, but realistically, we know that can't happen. So we need to enjoy our loved ones while they are with us.