@cdcc

One thing that's hard to accept is that we can't always be in control of our minds or lives. I know that when I've been suicidal, I rationalized that the timing of the end of my life is one thing that I could control. That is an irrational thought, much like "they would be better off without me". (Another one of the thoughts that recur in my mind.)

One way I deal with the suicidal thought is to promise myself or someone else that I'll stay safe for today, or until after my next appointment, or until some other specific time. If I can't do that, I know that I need to give my wife all of my medications, which is really hard to do. It's important to know when you get to that place, and to let someone know. I know from experience that when I'm at an unsafe place, the last thing I want to do is tell someone because they would stop me from taking my life. That's not one of the steps I would be likely to take, but there are other steps that work for me. Do you have those things that you have found that keep you safe? I imagine you do. I hope they continue to work for you.

Jim