While this is not easy to write about, it may help someone and, if so, it is worth more than a bit of regret on my part. I am a recovering alcoholic with 11.5 yrs. sobriety. Much of what leads to any addiction is irreparable, but it can be helpful to understand what you believe is or was the source of your addiction. I was personally a perfection/control freak and when things did not work perfectly or I could not fix it, I internalized and blamed myself. This left me with a damaged self image and I used alcohol to escape. While I am not a trained therapist, my wife has almost completed her EdD and works as a counselor/therapist and I have learned from listening, but having a spouse as your therapist is a bad idea. Please find either a therapist or a friend who can be supportive without being enabling or judgmental. As a practicing alcoholic - and I practiced a lot - I was not so certain I was one. I don't know how you would define "addicted", but if you use any substance regularly and/or in large amounts, there is a good chance you are addicted. I functioned and never hit absolute rock bottom as society would describe it, but I was there emotionally. The most difficult part of remaining sober for me (besides continuing would have killed me), was reliving and realizing the pain I had caused to those I loved. You may ask their forgiveness and receive it, but the forgetting part is difficult for everyone involved. I can tell you that I am not there in some of my dearest relationships, but there is an effort there. If you are religious, your God will forgive you simply from your asking and you have to believe that to be able to put it behind you in order that it does not continue to ruin the rest of your life, and I believe to help minimize your propensity to relapse. The best I can offer to avoid relapsing is the way you will feel the next day, hour, moment that you did not surrender. Try to find some humor as a way to combat your feelings of inadequacy from allowing yourself to get involved with an addiction, but I am firmly in the camp that there is a hereditary factor for many addicts. This is not an excuse, but please realize you have a disease as real as cancer, MS, heart disease, etc... and it is not necessary to blame yourself or anyone else, but it does need to be treated. One side of my family had more people who were addicts of some variety - mostly alcohol - than those who were not, but it was never an issue with my parents. I think I have rambled quite a bit and probably makes this a bit difficult to read and absorb, but I am happy to discuss with anyone who would like. I don't have any finite answers and no formal training, but since I am disabled and home alone a lot, I have had a lot of time to reflect and may have an insight or two that may be helpful. If you are battling an addiction, you have my prayers and encouragement - I am pulling for you to succeed because there is so much of life to enjoy without being hostage to any substance.

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