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Once I had no other choice other than to retire at the age of 53 my life has continually deteriorated. Even when I draw or paint to try and distract myself from the pain every time I move my body my neck sounds like popcorn popping and it shoots pain throughout my spine. A disability that cannot be fixed and realistically will become worse the older I grow. There are those that have told me how lucky I am to no longer go to work. I can sit watch TV, surf the net, and the religious ones telling me how I need to read the Bible and pray for others-oh yes, become a pray warrior and I will be of use to the Kingdom.
I do not mention depression nor the physical pain to others. I do not want another's pity or hear how I look healthy and why am I not working or volunteering.
What I hear is why can you not be useful. Saw the therapist yesterday and realized there is nothing she can do as I know my skills and what works for me. Distraction works the best. Helping another helps me until I find I am being used. I fade a way. My helping is enabling. As long as I will transport a neighbor whose car is in the shop he will not get it fixed. Amazing how quickly he had it back when I would no longer be his source of transportation.
Yes, I am depressed and know I am the only one who can do anything. Therapist and I agree that there is nothing she can do. Done and thankful she is well educated enough to know there is nothing more that can be done and I know this too.
There are times when there is nothing that can be done and the more I try the deeper in the vortex I am. I am not even looking forward to Spring. Doubtful I am alone in the black hole. I can be encouraging to another and also sincere when I am. Therapist and I also agreed that the last 2 appointments had been the same old same old. When a person is stuck they are stuck. Reality is not all fun and games, praying, etc. I am responsible for my thoughts and controlling thus and sure ain't no one else can change thus except me. "Them thar are the facts y'all". Would go for a soak in the tub, but would not be physically capable of getting back out and already stewing in my own filth enough.
Do I dare submit these words? I sure do not want to upset someone else. I at least can admit I am in the dark hole and venting can be cathartic. One more suck it up or this too shall pass...Fear not as I am truly passive and everyone is safe as I only have words. The tough old woman has succumbed to the fact things will not improve until I improve my attitude.
Thanks, I needed to air my frustration. Yes, I am far better off then many. Have I covered all of the bases?
Replies to "Once I had no other choice other than to retire at the age of 53 my..."
@kdo0827 I am sad to hear someone else feels as I do. Wellbutrin was not for me either. Discouragement is at the forefront and I do not feel like trying. Medication is not the answer for me. I believe there are no answers. Hopefully this is the depression talking to me. No longer feel I am going crazy. Things seem to be far worse with the combination of pain that will not get better. I became worse after no longer being able to work. Things have became so much worse and it is my own weakness. I know worthlessness. What good am I when I can no longer work? Acceptance only comes to those with lots of money. Too bad when love is not enough for some. I just keep digging myself in deeper.
@parus @kdo0827
It would be great if a cure for depression were discovered. For now, the cure seems to be illusive, and what works for some - well, they're lucky it works for them. Most of us trudge along, up and down the mountains and mole hills in our way.
Some days aren't too bad. Today, the sun is shining and it's too early to do much yard work, though there are always weeds to be dealt with. Trouble is, I don't feel like moving. Today's one of my down days. My wife wants to move furniture. Not happening today.
I know various things I've been told to do, and they do help some days. Some days, though, curling up in bed is all I'm up to. Like today. The furniture can stay where it is for now.
Tomorrow might be better after I've talked with my therapist. But then he's taking a week vacation.
Jim
I'm sorry you feel this way too. My therapist told me today that I may be suffering with PTSD. Never thought about it. For over 9 years I worked an extremely stressful and verbally abusive job. When I suddenly stopped my body didn't know how to react. We're going to start digging through this next week. I'll let you know how it goes.
I have been learning to live with PTSD for over twelve years now. The pain from trauma doesn't ever seem to go away. My therapist tells me that my work is to move forward.
We'll see how that works.
Jim
@jimhd As we well know there is not a cure. Rough to realize there is nothing a therapist can do either. Seeing one again was not really helping as I was hearing the same thing...use your skills. The combo of pain and depression are discouraging. I try to be positive when I make a comment. Not there this morning. I am the only one who can help "me" and I don't have the energy nor desire to keep beating my head against an immovable wall. I have an attitude when it comes to therapist's that I cannot move past. I am aware of this and if a therapist cannot suggest something I have not already tried why bother? I see no future and only another leech on society. Threw my entire life a way pleasing others. What a waste.
@jimhd Is there a forward for rejects?
@parus
Trying to please others doesn't work.
I'm still learning how to move forward.
Any pointers would be welcome.
Jim
@parus
Have you considered finding a different therapist, who might have a fresh perspective?
Jim
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I totally get where you are coming from. I, too have retired at age 51. I'm on Disabilty for Neuropathy and chronic pain. It really gets to me when people make those comments. My depression and anxiety really started after I quit working. I was so used to being verbally abused every day for over 9 years. I now feel worthless and have no desire to do anything! I do volunteer but on the days I don't it's really bad. I feel like I'm going crazy. I need medication but Wellbutrin is definitely not for me.