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seeker70 (@seeker70)

Long-term depression

Depression & Anxiety | Last Active: Jan 2, 2019 | Replies (563)

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@mrmaid11

I have written before regRding my dealing with long term depression. I was doing pretty well but have begun feeling like i’m Slipping back. I have cut all ties with people I knew and spend my time with my daughter who has some special needs. I have been widowed for 12 years after 52 years of a somewhat tumultuous marriage. I think about the many things I did wrong and so badly wish I could have been a nicer person. I was raised in the Midwest in a home where my parents fi ghting was the standard that was there every day. Other terrible things happened and so many I blame myself for. I was a child but I could have behaved better instead of ad ding to be he the e siting problems. I ruminate on my past. And see that I wasted my whole life. I have become a useless being who adds nothing to this world. I’m just here. Am going to go back into therapy hoping that might give me some relief. I’m onmeds and have managed to stay out of the hospital for the depression the past two years. I have had two bouts of cancer during the past 5 years and hold my breadth each time I go or Che Kip’s. I think…. not will it comeback. But just when. I’m sorry for sounding so negative but I can’t seem to hold on to any positive thoughts. I need some people to talk to.

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Replies to "I have written before regRding my dealing with long term depression. I was doing pretty well..."

@mrmaid11

Depression induces a ton of guilt in us, doesn’t it. I’ve spent a lot of time the past 12 or 13 years, sorting through the piles. I know that I carried a backpack full of heavy guilt and shame rocks for a very long time.

I have had a string of therapists who have helped me distinguish between the deserved and undeserved rocks. Like you, I still have some in my backpack that don’t belong. I know that it’s not my fault that people abused me and traumatized me, but it’s human nature to feel it necessary to assume some of the blame.

I hope that when you get to the therapist, you’ll make more progress toward lightening your load. It’s more than you can bear, I know. And you don’t have to feel like you’re falling under the weight of the undeserved blame anymore.

Lightening the load isn’t an instant process. But we can remove one rock at a time until the weight no longer is killing us.

Obviously, you already know that this is a safe place to say whatever is heaviest on your mind, and I hope you’ll keep coming back to talk. We all need a place to do that.

Jim

Hello @mrmaid11

I just read Jim’s @jimhd post and noticed that he said some important things about guilt. Did you know that a symptom of depression is guilt? Perhaps today you and think a bit about lightening your load as he suggested (removing one rock at a time) and see how you feel.

The guilt of childhood behavior is a common one. Children tend to take blame for family problems. This blame does not belong to children. It is an adult problem – not a child’s problem.

Keep posting, we are here to listen and encourage you.

Teresa

Thank you for your reply. Intellectually I know the guilt shouldn’t belong to me but my emotions say differently. The two can’t seem to hear each other. I clearly understand that I was not responsible for the crime my father committed but I want it to go away so bad that it seems easier to take the responsibility for that and the following chaos.

@mrmaid11

You have a lot of insight and I appreciate that. Have you worked through this false-guilt with a therapist? If not, it might be a good idea.

In the meantime, try writing affirmations to that little child who took the responsibility for father’s wrong behavior. Give compassion to what that child endured and see if it might help.

Will you give that a try?

Teresa