Hi, @parus -- you sure have some wonderfully poetic word pictures.

I sense that someone or something has caused you to lose trust. You've talked about a few situations like that from your past.

The image of water washing away trust shows how easily it can be washed away. Can it be rebuilt? Wondering if this is a new erosion of trust or grieving of a loss of trust from some time ago?

A shame the negative feelings could not have been washed from the mind. I tell myself it is depression and after all of these years it will not leave. Endless mind and body pain are invisible shackles and I am thankful as I would not want another to see how pathetic I am. Stuff happens.

I'm wondering too the same thing Lisa just said. I myself know that I have had a very hard time rebuilding trust. After a horrible childhood (only child), and being married to a Narcissist for 40 years where I couldn't trust anything he told me, and then later being betrayed by what I thought was a close friend .... well, it's tough. But it can be done. Just a brief example. Because of a lot of my experiences with men, I believed they were all just sexually driven animals and stiffened when I walked by them ... I was like an ice cube walking by. Well, after many, many years of therapy with an extremely respectful, gentle, and kind Psychologist (a man), I've just begun to realize that they are not all alike. Originally when I was with him for my first and second session (13 years ago), I actually expressed that I'd prefer a woman. He was kind, but told me he felt staying there would be better for my emotional growth and healing, but it was my choice. Well, I did and I am doing so much better. I'm still very careful around men, but can be more "myself" rather than an "icecube" when around them.
You'll get there .... just takes some work and the recognition and determination to change.
Go for it!
abby

@amberpep I’m happy you realize that not all men are like that. Thankfully there are some good ones out there.
JK