Hello Jim, thanks for your thoughts and prayers. The pain is still here, some days are better than others. I do have a neurosurgeon appointment on the 3rd of October.

My employer, well former employer... decided that during this ordeal with my spine, even though I made it clear I was not resigning my car sales position, he resigned me lol. On the bright side I've not had to be on my feet on pavement 10+ hours a day. It's let me re-evaluate my career choices, do a lot of praying and a lot of seeking God's guidance.

I may go back to my roots in graphic design, web design and internet marketing.

My wife and girls are doing well, my girls seem to enjoy seeing me more since I normally worked 60-70 + hour weeks. It's all in God's hands, I may not understand it all now but He has never let me down. The male/provider instinct is a little tough for me to deal with because I feel guilty of not being Super Man.

I really do appreciate you reaching out and sending me a note. It means more to me than you know and it came at just the right time.

How are things going with you?

Praying for you also.
Tony

@carsalespapa

Tony,

God is full of surprises, isn't He. Your attitude is a blessing to me, and I'm pretty sure it's teaching your daughters some great lessons about what a Godly man looks like under pressure. Hold fast to that faith.

I had my weekly session with the therapist today. I told him how tired I am of being depressed. We talked about the 2 basic levels of long term depression, dysthymia and major depressive disorder. Dysthymia is a feeling of sadness and hopelessness and so on, that comes and goes. Major depressive disorder is constant, and is a deeper level of sadness, hopelessness, worthlessness, etc., that doesn't let up, and lasts longer than Dysthymia generally. One common component of Major depressive disorder is suicidal ideation, but it isn't part of a diagnosis of Dysthymia. I've been walking, sometimes crawling, through Major Depressive Disorder since 2004, and I was gradually walking into it unknowingly for a few years before that. But it really tanked in the fall of 2005, when, at the same time, I was trying to overdose on pain meds. By October of '06, I had resigned as a pastor and retired at the insistence of my doctors. I wasn't able to function at that point.

We had bought a house on ten acres, 175 miles north of where we were living, two years earlier. We moved over the next 3 months, making 31 round-trips, mostly with our 97 F250 turbo diesel 7.3L pickup and two-horse trailer. We did two trips with the biggest U-haul truck. Fortunately, that was before fuel shot up. But at $75/trip, on my Social Security Disability check, it was plenty expensive.

I think that because of my mental state at the time, the thought of being on disability didn't concern me. But my feeling about it is that I invested in it against the day when I might need it, and I've never begrudged anyone receiving assistance when there was legitimate need. We have to look for help wherever it's available, from food assistance to energy assistance. I guess I'm learning to be less prideful, which is a good thing.

I've rambled until my eyes are getting blurry. I'm glad for your good report. I will pray for you as you talk with your neurosurgeon, and as you look at the options ahead of you.

Jim

@carsalespapa

Tony,

Are you looking forward to learning more about the chronic back pain Tuesday? I promised I'd be praying for you.

Jim

Hey, Tony @carsalespapa -It's been awhile since I spoke with you. I was thinking of you today and wondering how you're doing. I won't ask a bunch of questions about your back, disability, insurance and so on. I'm just praying for God's provision for you and your family. I hope you've been getting some relief from your pain and that you're getting some answers from the doctor's.

Jim

Hello Jim!

Good to hear from you, I hope you're doing better yourself. I am dealing with Anthem right now because it seems they want to send me to an orthopedic doctor instead of a neurosurgeon/doctor. I am getting things worked out with the insurance though so I can see a neurosurgeon and hopefully soon I can get some answers and help.

The pain is not as bad thanks to my former employer. lol While I was having my MRI, X Rays and tests done they decided to politely and quietly let me go. Things happen for a reason though and it's allowed me to not be on pavement 60 hours + a week. VA and TN both are "right to work" states so they can terminate you for any reason at any time. It would be my word against theirs and ultimately they will have to answer for it, not me.

I'm still not settled on disability because I feel like there are other things I can do. (my background is in graphic design, web design, marketing and sales) I've just turned it over to the Lord and letting Him handle it and letting Him guide me. I feel like He had to bring me to this place in my life to show me that I need to stop trying to "fix" everything myself and work things out on my own instead of relying on Him. My medical situation looks like it's turning out to be a blessing more than a bad thing.

During all this I had I had become very bitter at my situation and my environment. I had it in my head I was going to fix my situation, I was going to move my family from the area where we live and go to a place that was thriving economically, get a good paying job, and all would be right. (Much like Abraham did when he went down to Egypt). We even went as far as taking a week trip to a coastal area in North Carolina to look at homes and for me to look for jobs that didn't require being on my feet all the time.

When we got back I talked with my pastor and he told me I was running away, that he felt like I was making a big mistake and that it could impact my family in a negative way. I have a 14 year old daughter (1 of 3 daughters, she's the oldest). My pastor told me she is a good kid but he felt like through much prayer she was lost, even though she made a profession of faith several years ago. She just didn't have any fruit.

After talking with my pastor that Monday I got on my face before God and repented of my bitterness and rebellion. It was the next night, my 14 year old came out of her room to where I was sitting and she was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she told me "Daddy, nothing is wrong, I've been living a lie, Jesus just saved me".

That was pretty much the assurance I needed to know I was going in the right direction. I had not talked to her, her mother had not talked to her, but the Holy Spirit sure had been talking with her. All we had been doing was praying.

All I can say is, God is good! It really changed my whole outlook on things. I may be hopping around and using a cane some but I have joy and peace in my heart which far outweighs the pain and the issues with my back and legs!

Thanks for keeping in touch and thank you for your prayers! Will keep praying for you as well.

Tony

It was really good to read your update, Tony @carsalespapa . God is indeed good.

What a blessing it had to be when your daughter committed her heart to Christ! The destiny of our children is such a great part of the heritage we leave. I pray every day that our daughter will return to faith one day - soon would be great!

Jehovah Jireh. Jehovah provider. How awesome to watch Him at work in our lives. So much of the time we're unaware of what He's doing, and we don't always acknowledge His handwork. But then sometimes it's unquestionably evident that God cares about the details of our days. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Would the orthopedist refer you to a neurosurgeon? Working with insurance can be a real test of our religion. 🙂

I'm doing okay. I tapered off Cymbalta, ending a few weeks ago. During the last couple of weeks and the following few weeks, I think that withdrawal induced deeper depression, but about a week ago, I felt a significant lift in my mood. The result is that I have the motivation and energy to do some of the many autumn cleanup chores, a little more each day. The heavy (literally) peach crop had broken a few branches, and I finally was able to deal with it today. It feels good to get outside, especially on beautiful days like today. Are you up to doing the maintenance jobs around your place? As men, we have the drive to be in control, to fix things, as you said. Maybe it's built in to our maleness, but maybe it's just a burden we put on ourselves, with plenty of help from the culture.

Do you know what the x-rays and MRI show about your back? Is there nerve damage, which makes you think of seeing a neurologist? I pray that there will be some solutions to your pain.

Jim

@carsalespapa,

Hello Tony, it has been awhile since you posted and I was thinking about you and how you are doing. I know you were dealing with back pains, insurance, and disability all at once and I am hoping those situations have improved for you.