Hi Dawn,
I am partially grieving and numb. I got a puppy from a breeder a month after my husband passed away last December. She consumes my waking hours, and I’ve in a small way thought it foolish. I’m 81, and she’s a typical Miniature Schnauzer. Yet, she loves on me, knows when I’m hurting, lays by me, sleeps with me so closely that she seems to need body contact. But, independent and has selective hearing. Hahaha.
I sing worship songs when I’m remembering my husband is in Heaven with our Lord. He had a near death experience in 1994. He described it as a place free of pain. When paramedics revived him 90 seconds later, he woke so peacefully the chief asked me later to learn what Steve saw. Steve opened his eyes and said, “I want to go back.” Pain returned from his heart attack.
In January 2023, we learned he had congestive heart failure. We went to our pastor/friend and wept together. Steve was an elder, we were family. My children were in another state, and our friends and community were all we had, besides each other.
I’ve relocated to live with my daughter, her hubby and adult son, and my son happens to live here. They have taken care of my meals, personal necessities and are very supportive.
Leaving my friends, colleagues and the homeless I helped in my nonprofit was a push-pull anguish I felt before deciding on my leaving Durango. But the place Steve and I lived was rural in the country and winter can be rough. I don’t regret moving…I miss feeding people on Saturdays which I started December 1, 2018. Volunteers and I became buddies and the people receiving my services were so sweet and loving. Steve was a part of my work. He made it possible for me to do the heavy carrying of supplies. He was so kind to the men and women we served. They hugged me when I was there after learning he passed; they remembered his kindness and generosity.
But, when I am praising God in song, Misty Doll has acquired a voice and sings with me. I have to quiet her in our bedroom so the rest of the house is not disturbed. She hears the music on my laptop and seems to recognize it’s a song I sing. So she chimes in. I have to stop singing to quiet her and it makes me laugh.
These are simple ways that helps me grieve. She absolutely loves singing to, “The Only Scars In Heaven “. It’s like she understands my grief and it’s the kind of sweetness my husband said he wanted me to get after November when we had to put our 12year old Dolly Tres down in a sudden emergency illness. My multiple losses in 2025 and 2026 will be grieved. Last year in August, my nonprofit closed with loss of funding. But it was good timing because Steve’s condition worsened shortly thereafter.
It’s good to shed my tears here. I’m able to feel the loss and pain as I write. This is easing numbness of feelings. I’m actually feeling grief that I’ve needed to have. I wondered when I will begin to allow myself this pain. I believe that you have given me that space. Thank you!