Neuropathy due to long untreated diabetes

@jimhd Staying alive in the face of certain early death.

Jim, I grew up a Southern Baptist and my mother has been nicknamed the "east coast distributor of guilt" by one of my 1st cousins. My brother and I have learned to let it roll like water off a duck's back. I think I have some understanding of the guilt issues. I have long believed that my mental health problems are a disease just as my diabetes is. My body does not produce enough insulin, so I have to take it to stay alive. I view my psych meds exactly the same, my brain does not produce the hormones and other biological materials for me to stay healthy, so I have to take "balancing drugs" to try to keep my mind healthy. I think your guilt is as real to you as any disease and I know what it can do to depression. I was a functioning alcoholic for years before the alcohol or a congenital condition blew up my pancreas and many other functions with it. Because there was a possibility that I caused my illness, what it was doing to my family financially and the guilt over the amount of money I had sunk into alcohol for years, my guilt was unbearable and acerbated my depression and anxiety. Thanks to a re-commitment to my faith and my wife's amazing support, I have escaped that prison for the most part. Because of your church's fundamentalism, it may be difficult, but there are many resources available to support families of folks like us or caretakers in general. I know that people rationalize differently when their brains are "skewed", but I pray that you will keep searching for the right therapist/medications to help you get out of what is the darkest place I can imagine this side of hell. Please keep talking to us because isolation can be your worst enemy. Blessings, Gary

@gman007 @oldkarl @artscaping

Thanks for your kind words of support. I've been taking antidepressants for more than 15 years. Right now, I'm taking Wellbutrin (12 years), Remeron (2 months) for depression. Klonopin for anxiety (12 years). Orphenadrine occasionally (muscle relaxer). I also take Diltiazen for SVT, Omeprazole for reflux, Gabapentin for neuropathy, Azathioprine to slow the progression of neuropathy, Lidocaine cream and morphine sulfate for pain, Myrbetriq for sudden urgency, Claritin and Benadryl for allergies, decongestant to reduce mucous buildup in my throat causing esophageal dysmotility, Iron, Vitamins C and D, multivitamins, and sometimes oxycodone for pain.

The med list is one more thing my wife doesn't like, but I don't really think I should stop any because there's a reason for each of them. I've been seeing therapists for the past 12 years. My pastor, who's only 57, has cancer, and treatments put him in the recliner under a blanket, too depressed to function for a week or so until the next round. So, he understands what depression is. That's why we changed churches 3 years ago. Where we'd been going for 8 years, since I retired, the pastor had become more and more negative, saying weird things about mental illness, therapists, medication, and various other rant stops. I had more than I could take. A shame, too, because he's been a friend for a long time and had always been a straight shooter.

Ah well, we moved on to healthier pastures, and love where we are.

This chronic pain and mental health issues is a relatively new experience for me. I had lived a healthy life, never needed medication except ibuprofen. Painted houses, up and down ladders and scaffolding, carrying a five of paint in each hand without a thought. Scraping, sanding, brushing, rolling and spraying 8 hour days. I don't do that anymore. I just do what needs to be done around the house and other buildings on our place.

Trauma is something, I've learned, that we don't just forget. What I am working on is moving forward. I've lived through some traumatic things, endured the trauma of abuse and rejection, and it doesn't let go. Would that I could sell it on let go. PTSD, depression, anxiety disorder and suicidal ideation are like quadruplet brothers.

I'm trying to recover from the flu. I had a week of fever and all the rest, and I finally pulled together enough strength to take down the Christmas tree yesterday. I had a cold our granddaughter brought to us for Christmas, then after a week break, here came the flu. And I had the flu vaccine. I know that being sick has a direct effect on my mental state. So, hopefully things will be getting brighter.

Jim

I wondered the same thing.

Hi Jim
Hope you're feeling better today. The flu is one nasty monster. As you mentioned you were a pastor this came to mind. We as a congregation hold our pastor's on a different level than us. We rely on them to always be strong, never doubting faith or God. The truth is being a pastor is very hard. You are still a human. You deal with people's problems, church problems and the stress that goes along with running a church. My prayer for you is that you can look back and see all the great things you've accomplished in life. I admire your honesty and your will to keep on living. God's peace and blessings to you.

@jimhd Jim, Many so-called professionals, such ad doctors, clergy and lawyers, assume that everyone is the same, and will respond to specific stimuli the same way. Such as medicines, battle, divorce, whatever. To find someone who tries to be open to the personalities of individuals is a rare treat. Sometimes I think the word "professional" is short for "tries not to think about individuals". When I was ready to leave Mayo-AZ, I was terribly frustrated. The Hematologist said "We have not seen anything that would be a marker for Amyloidosis." This in spite of the fact that Mayo-MN said I have some mutation of FreeLiteChain Amyloidosis, and it needs more testing to define clearly which it is. Mayo-AZ said I did not have a swollen tongue, the black spots on my toes did not cover the whole toe, and my sFLC assay said my serum protein was not at least ten times the upper reference range. Oh, and my neuropathy did not completely disable me. Yet there are millions of combinations of Amy which clearly say what it is. With a couple thousand disorders impacting the human body, the potential variations are practically limitless. I think this adds as much as anything to our confusion when we have amy.

So true. Anyone not in the box with the majority has a difficult time getting the help they need. Occasionally one can find a professional that is willing to think outside the box. The body is seen as a machine and if one does not run like all the others it is oft kicked to the curb and accused of things other than having true physical pain. If blood work and all other tests are okay then one may find a doctor telling you to see a therapist. A professional way of saying your symptoms are in the mind and not real. All pain is not as simple as a broken bone. I realize doctors have many patients and finding one that has the time to listen is a rarity. I truly am not being critical of the medical profession. I tell myself they are doing the "best" they themselves know how.
I find I have settled upon this as good as it gets and wearing the tread off of my car tires is all I have accomplished thus far. People having known me for years know I am not lazy. I would much rather be still working and having a purpose. I have others tell me how lucky I am to no longer have to work. I can sit and watch TV all day, hang out with friends and enjoy a sedentary life as they would like to do. I speak of neuropathy and the 1st question I am asked is am I a diabetic. Again, the neuropathy and other symptoms are not real.
Are others telling me I am not real?

My mother always reminds me that is why we call it "practicing" medicine. Although, with the myriad medicines available for some conditions and everyone's uniqueness, it truly is some practice to get everyone on the best med for them. I hope we will one day be able to do a simple genetic test and we will know what med is best designed for us. I know there is a test some Psych's use, but my GP is not in the category of believers just yet. It is also very expensive and insurance does not cover it as yet. I pray your flu is abating and that with better health comes better feelings.

@artscaping It is astonishing how our thinking can go places we never thought it could.

I see this morning that Jeff Bezos (Amazon), Warren Buffett (Berkshire Hathaway) and Jamie Dimon (JPMorgan) have announced a team effort at reducing healthcare costs. I am excited that someone is not waiting for government to fix what ails the system which to date has been nothing. The only effort made was to reduce the cost of insurance and not the rising cost of treatment that requires higher premiums in the environment of publicly held companies and EPS growth. My point here, I think I remember why I started, is that if we could somehow reduce physicians "quotas" imposed by large medical associations, then we may all receive better care and at least understand more of the care being advised. We may see true "care" reform in our lives.