Neuropathy due to long untreated diabetes

@gman007 Thanks for shouting encouragement. I just wanted to get the subject of depression induced suicide thoughts out there. And although I know there are many other paths to travel.....it was a shocking one to me when it was consuming my wandering mind. I am always the eternal optimist. Have a great day.

@artscaping

Medications and therapy have brought me from the dark place of depression and suicidal ideation to a much safer place. I still fight the demons, but they don't drive my thoughts (most of the time). Depression is a constant companion. I wish I could say it's gone, but I'd be lying. My wife thinks it's gone on long enough, and I should have figured it out. I just don't know how to communicate to her how little control I have over it. My strategy is to wear the "I'm fine" mask so I don't cause her more stress or distress. I don't recommend that as an appropriate way to cope with mental illness, but it helps keep my wife happier.

Jim

@artscaping- Optimism is a great quality to have! I've been a glass half full kind a guy.

Jim, you have saddened me. Depression is no different than diabetes, MS, cancer or any other disease that you would be offered sympathy, support and some modicum of understanding. It is not something we "figure" out regardless of how much we learn about it and make it go away. I empathize with caretakers because I have seen the level of stress it causes anyone who loves you. I am sorry you feel you have to wear a mask because that can only make things worse, or possibly the same, but certainly is not going to make things any better. Is your depression treated with medication? I know the trial and error and titration can be maddening, but I am about to embark on that journey with a new psychiatrist and while I know how difficult the journey can be, I also know how rewarding getting to the right medication can be. You certainly have my prayers and my ear whenever needed.

@jimhd You are not alone, my friend. Anyone who as a chronic or fatal disease who claims not to be depressed at times is either a liar or dead. I spend some moments almost every day contemplating suicide. I have almost as many reasons for that as I have symptoms and signs for hATTRwt. But I keep going, mostly out of Habit, I suppose. Of course, the worst part of it is that my wife and my GP demand that I quit trying, because everyone knows there is only one treatment to stop the pain and the struggle. Death. https://bit.Ly/1w7j4j8

Anyone who has read my posts knows that I lean heavily on my faith and if not for that, I don't know where my hope would come from. I also believe that if I am still here, there is a reason and I have a purpose. It may not always be obvious to me, but it is there. I think this sight is one of those reasons. I will say again that I am sure many of us with chronic diseases that make life less full and active than we would like have probably felt there is no real reason for me to wake up in the morning, but that is very different from taking one's life. I would never condemn either thought or judge anyone for feeling that way, but I do believe you are here for the rest of us to gain insight and wisdom from and those in your closer circle of friends and family.

@oldkarl

What is it that your wife and GP demand that you quit trying?

@gman007

I retired from ministry when I was 55, because of depression, anxiety PTSD and suicidal ideation/attempts. I was a music minister for 25 years, then after a couple of years off, I was pastor of a church in a small (extremely small) remote community. I'm ordained with a very conservative denomination, which tends to stir a lot of guilt surrounding, especially, the subject of suicide. As well, many conservatives hold to the stigmatized views on mental illness as a whole. My wife doesn't have that view. As you said, being a spouse of someone with mental health issues can be stressful, as it has been for my wife, and it's easy for them to lose patience. Depression et al get old. Thus, the mask, healthy or not.

I'm afraid that depression, etc., skews the perspective on one's reason for living. Or caring about anything like a reason. The suicidal mind makes the shift to the belief that suicide is a rational solution.

Living with that in my brain is really difficult. So is living with the knowledge of the impact on my family. I talk with the therapist about those things. He knows that all that stands between me and death is my family.

I'm a third generation pastor, and faith is pretty much engrained in my psyche. Somehow there's a mental disconnect when it comes to justifying suicide against my spiritual life. Many people would blame the devil without giving it a thought. I'm totally aware of the spiritual warfare that takes place with these dynamics. And I believe that the devil is wanting to get me. But I also know that there's more to it than that.

This week, it's more about the flu than about the devil. And it's time for me to get into bed.

Thanks, everyone for your input.

Jim

"Skews the perspective". That is a good description of what happens when depression seems to take over your mind. I was a therapist for years in a college and later in private practice. I had clients who struggled with suicidal tendencies or other self harming social and physical behaviors. It would have been hard for most of us to imagine since they were successful students and good people. I made myself available 24-7 and was on the phone in the middle of the night if need be. And so my recent descent into depression because of my deteriorating physical condition and the chronic pain it causes was a shock to me. And yet, I could not stop the thoughts. They began to wander into my head even during my daily meditation, yoga and mindfulness practice. I also found myself feeling anger and frustration at my loving life partner for what I perceived as impatience or lack of concern. A couple of weeks or so after the medication was prescribed my outlook became more positive....and lo and behold I realized that I was the one misinterpreting his behavior. He didn't sound intolerant at all. He wasn't rejecting me or doubting my discomfort. I was projecting my own fears of disappointing him or even losing him onto his communication. Whew...what a relief! I still haven't told him about my level of depression. It is kind of strange that I am willing to share it with all of you and yet wish to spare him. Now here's the clinker....he spent 35 years as a therapist in mental hospitals and educational institutions. He knows....diagnostic process...he knows a lot about emotional and mental pain in others. I realize that he waits for and expects me to speak of my needs for comfort and assistance. We have developed a sort of shorthand to cut to the chase regarding my energy level and pain intensity. That helps him manage social engagements and make travel plans with consideration for my tolerances. And he jumps up to help with things like meal preparation and laundry duty. Sometimes I simply say, "My body, mind, and spirit need to rest now."

@jimhd Hi, Jim. A great difficulty for pastors in small isolated churches is just what you noted: Finding someone to talk with. I have served small isolated churches in Oregon, Idaho, Washington, Arizona, Nebraska and Georgia, as well as a thriving downtown church in Nevada. In all of that, there was no one to talk with. Even my bishop refused to listen to me, and soon kicked me out because I had "problems". Anyway, I finally realized that I was to serve the Lord with everything I have, including the autoimmune stuff and personal issues such as loneliness, pain and the promise of early death. I have written some about serving isolated churches, and interviewed dozens of isolated small church pastor in another 12-15 states, mainly Texas, Kansas, Mississippi and Maine. It is the same story everywhere, and there is no simple cure. The only thing we can do is to keep doing the things we can do, putting our energies into building the church and bringing peace to the world through our own lives. And supporting each other.