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Talking Frankly about Living with Advanced Cancer
Cancer | Last Active: Jun 18, 2023 | Replies (508)Comment receiving replies
Thanks for the invite. How many here have survivors guilt? I am a five year survivor and have struggled with survivors guilty for almost my entire survivorship. My mother-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer approximately a month after I was. She knew she had it and hid it from us. She died 3 months after diagnosis. My eldest brother died suddenly of exanguination due to undiagnosed Lymphoma that burst an artery in his lungs approximately 17 months after my diagnosis. My mother whom I was living with and caring for at the time because she had end stage COPD gave up living after my brothers death. She had already buried two husbands and now her eldest son and I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. I feel she was determined to go before me or my other brother who has a possible life threatening illness. My sister-in-law who came with my surviving brother for Mom's Memorial Service while visiting became ill. She went home and never got better. Six weeks later she was diagnosed with Glioblastoma and died nine months later. I have such tremendous guilt everytime I hear of another person dying of cancer because I for some reason have been allowed to live and be with my amazing daughter and four beautiful grandchildren. I know in my heart that all who have gone before me are in a better place but I cannot help wonder why I am still here. At times I miss them all so much that I want to be with them.
Replies to "Thanks for the invite. How many here have survivors guilt? I am a five year survivor..."
@rfmb- I'd also like to welcome you to Mayo Clinic Connect. I am a 23-year lung cancer survivor with stage 4 lung cancer. Instead of metastasis all of my lesions are considered very slow-growing primaries. I did feel guilt before I had chemo in 2008. Since then I haven't. My survival and my cancers are special to me. Another person could have the same cancer history but have a completely different outcome. I had a sister-in-law who also did nothing about her uterine cancer and died as a result of that.
In the past couple of years, I have lost 2 cousins, both male, who I grew up with. This was extremely difficult because as a combined trio we had our family's history from 2 sides of the family, plus our own. When they died I felt horrible and felt as if parts of me died with them. But not guilt. And the reason I think that I didn't feel guilty was that there was nothing I could do to keep them alive.
Survivor's guilt is a reaction to surviving a traumatic event that others have died in. Survivors feel guilty that they have survived a huge trauma and others – such as their family, friends, and colleagues – did not. But perhaps guilt can be used as a reminder that we are still here and to honor our family and friends by living life by going ahead and being the best that we can with it.
Who is to know why some people die and others live? I feel so lucky that I have survived for so long. I don't know why but I am surely thankful. By surviving I also found Connect and was able to get out of myself and help others with my support and experience.
Right now it doesn't matter why you are still here. There are just worldly things that can't be answered. Can you look at your survival as a gift and make the most of it?
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I feel sad if you let this be a source of angst and stress. I practice Buddhism, so I may think of God differently than some reading this, but there is a great saying, "God's not finished with me yet." You have a mission and a purpose, unique to you. It seems likely that you have not completed it yet. Maybe it's one thing you will tell one of your grandchildren one of these days. You needn't think of it as something grand or great, but maybe it will have a ripple effect of causing great good in the world or in one precious persons life. I'm sure you are deeply grieving the loss of all these family members, and here in the midst of your own precarious situation, that can't be easy. I hope this helps in some way.