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Talking Frankly about Living with Advanced Cancer
Cancer | Last Active: Jun 18, 2023 | Replies (508)Comment receiving replies
Hello @leannn Your post really hit home with me. My wife waged her war with brain cancer for over 14 years and we were married for 41. She was diagnosed at age 48 and passed away in July 2016. Her adult children, grandchildren, friends, and I continue to work through our grief journeys -- each in our own manner. She has not, nor ever will be, forgotten by those close to her in life since we continue to be close to her now.
During her illness we found no one really wanted to talk about her mortality. When they would ask 'how are you doing' all they wanted to hear was 'fine'. We had to be satisfied with having those deep discussions with only a very few. In our case it was the two of us, our two adult children, her bff and my bff.
My wife continues to be a part of my daily thoughts, she is a constant component of our conversations within our family, her bff and I have picked up the friendship she had with my wife and continue as friends, etc.
Yes, we do have those folks who do not want to ever mention that I am a widower or lost my wife. We have a couple, who knew my wife and I for longer than we were married, who have never acknowledged she is gone. Likewise I have siblings who constantly remind me 'it's time to get on with life', but they were also never in our lives during my wife's illness so it is no surprise. Some folks just cannot handle it. On the other hand this past week I was at a business meeting where I saw a former boss from many years ago and her first comment to me was 'how are you getting along? I really miss your wife when you visit!' So sometimes we just never know our lasting impact on others.
Strength, courage, and peace!
PS I admire your husband for being able to watch those movies! My emotions are still in such turmoil that I can't watch much of anything emotional without becoming a sobbing mess -- especially for some reason ANY Disney movie 🙂
Replies to "Hello @leannn Your post really hit home with me. My wife waged her war with brain..."
Hello @IndianaScott Thank you for sharing your wife and your journey through her illness, death, and grief process. I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear that she's not forgotten and part of conversations and your lives now. That her legacy lives on in a healthy loving way. That's what I assumed would be the way my family would grieve and the thought of it gave me some comfort. But you are so right, everyone grieves in their own way and time. I just thought "making good memories" would be what everyone would want. But another perspective, at certain times, could see it as a trigger that evokes too much emotion. I have a friend who's husband died and she stated she was glad he didn't have time to write letters or prepare before he died because it just was too much for her to cope with if around every corner there was a letter, gift, or some reminder. We all grieve differently.
I can so relate to the quick conversation starters or statements that avoid the "tough" topics of cancer or mortality. I often hear, "You look SO good!" and "You're such a fighter" but very rarely do I share nor do I feel others want to hear my true concerns and thoughts on being sick or dying. I'm a counselor by trade and as expected, I'm no stranger to tough topics and conversations. But sometimes, the fact that I am just that and I've been very resilient in life with a list of other health issues (stroke, heart failure, surgeries, pacemaker, etc.) makes it even harder. I have some friends who are counselors who cannot truly address these issues!
Thank you for sharing!
Oh PS. lol, my husband is a trooper for sure. He watches these Christmas movies with me every year because I love Christmas and celebrating. But every now and then, a movie sneaks up on us like the one I shared. Uggg, a good Disney movie always pulls on the heartstrings. 🙂
Strength, courage, and peace to you as well and thank you again!
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People are afraid of death. They don’t want to acknowledge that life is just temporary and a gift. I am sorry that you lost your wife. I pray that God heals your heart.