I hear you @lbern My wife was in her 40s when she was diagnosed with her cancer. Your feelings/thoughts are many of the same ones she voiced to me. Most of her energy was needed to fight her illness, but when she felt 'up' she did do a few things that helped when she was gone. They didn't necessary remove her sadness, but she did feel some positivity from them. Writing down her wishes and arrangements was an immense help. Discussing and implementing needed changes to our wills, etc. also helped her. She reached out to a few folks she wanted to make amends with, while at the same time remaining comfortable ignoring several others who she was content to 'leave sleeping dogs lie' as she put it to me. She also gave a few gifts to family members. I must say she beamed every time she saw them with her gifted item on or when it was spoken about. This also cemented how important the item was to the person she gave it to.

She also bought a small lighted sign for us. We kept it by her bedside and often she'd hit the button on top to light it up and to reassure her she was doing what she could that day/at that time. You can see it here -- I now have it in a cabinet and often find myself giving it a tap on and again!

Wish I had something more concrete to offer...keep up the good fight!

Strength, courage, and peace!