This breaks my heart because I know what you are feeling and I'm so far away in New Zealand but I reach out to you across the waters. I've been lucky with my repeated cancers and have come back from the brink a few times - feel such compassion to those who have to really face up to their mortality more immediately. We all seem to live in denial of death - even older folk like me - until we are forced to confront it. That's when it hurts. But you are not alone. I get it. Much love to you.