I appreciate all the responses I have gotten here. I am encouraged to know that people take the time to try and help a stranger. I must say that I have tried a lot of the suggested things. I will take some of the advice like meditation and will look honestly at myself and ask if I am thinking only about me. Religion has not helped me in the past but I can always try again. I have several family members that are so called Catholic Christians who are the meanest people I know, apparently they are not listening in church. I have tried to be positive and think about all I have, to give myself compliments. When I do this I feel like I am lying to myself, even trying to brainwash myself. All I have to do is look in the mirror and fall apart, I always come back to looks because if you have them people treat you like you matter. I know some people make up for looks with great personalities and other qualities but for some reason I focus on the physical, maybe easier to fix with surgery than somehow becoming talented. I have trauma from many things in my life that have further damaged me. I always come back to the thought of "how can I fix what was done to me as a child when my brain was forming"? It seems to be like asking a car that has been engineered to be a car to now figure out how to fly. I am happy that you all have found some peace and I will try everything that is suggested. I do think though that I may end up using alcohol or a drug to just to get a little relief from this horrible hurt I always feel. I laugh when doctors say do not use mind altering substances when they push drugs everyday and it is debatable if these prescribed drugs even work.
I seem to be discounting a lot of what you all have said, I do not mean to do that. I appreciate anyone that will take the time to respond to me. Thank you so much for the help.