@quirky9
You are stronger than you think you are!
Don't try to eat the whole elephant at once; one bite at a time. You'll very likely get real sick of the taste of elephant but tell yourself everyday, "today will be better than yesterday" and generally at the end of each day, youll be able to say "today WAS BETTER than yesterday. I feel your fear. It will be 2 yrs this October since they took the malignancies out of me, but everyday now, I eat for my labs, go 6 mi/30 min everyday on my stationery bike, do isometric/isotonic arm crunches. Im sorry grateful; Im not gonna mess thus up. In April they informed me the small cyst on my other kidney is now "suspicious for neoplasm" and that they very likely will be doing a biopsy when I return in October.
I understand the frequent crying. Its so frustrating, so scary. I try to 'give it to God', but I end up yanking it right back. Sometimes I squirrel away from everyone and play that song "Be Not Afraid" and cry. I try to stay busy, though, and that helps. Sending bundles of love and prayers to you! We can do this!!