Thank you all for your kind replies. I know,in my head, you're all right ... I think it's just being alone so much, too much time to think, and there has been a lot of upheaval in my life the passed 12 years ...... first 12 years ago I left my husband of 40 years - he has a personality disorder and I could no longer live with the emotional and verbal abuse, I moved in for 2 years with a girlfriend from my church, after 2 years I bought a condo. and was blissfully happy there ....... all the while my kids were hounding me to move closer to them - about 4 hours away ...... I finally relented and moved; I've hated it here for these 2 years, so I now am moving again to a smaller town. It seems like all I do is pack, unpack, pack, unpack. And now this whole thing with my therapist has me very ill at ease. When I had the breakdown, about 5 years ago, a girlfriend took me to the hospital, and they evaluated me for a day. If I was suicidal, I would have been admitted. I actually was on the edge of suicide, but told them no. Then they enrolled me in a 4 week day program from 9 - 3 at the hospital which was a group with folks with all sorts of issues, but we were all there for the same reason .... we needed additional help and we were hanging on the edge. It was a wonderful 4 weeks. That probably sounds crazy, but from the first day we all connected and no two of us were alike ..... there were people on drugs, a man who was gay and had a "wife", a girl who periodically hallucinated, people like me with either cyclothymia or bi-polar. It was a wonderful group of friends.
If I had my choice of anything .... I'd move back to Frederick, rent a condo in the same complex I was in (I sold my other one), keep going to my therapist and psychiatrist, and possibly go back to that group for another 4 weeks. Once you've been in it, you can come back. On top of that, I feel very old, useless, and that there's nothing left for me anymore. So what's the point? I had a knee replacement and revision about 5 years ago, but otherwise, I'm very healthy ...... except for my brain. I just feel like I'm taking up space.
abby