@peach414144 @parus @sears @gingerw

My wife made cotton masks for us, and I often find myself the only person wearing one in stores and restaurants, though for the most part, employees are wearing masks. Way too many people don't get the distancing.

I hadn't thought about how I feel in a mask, but given a nudge from you, I realize that it's almost certainly having an effect on my anxiety. I sometimes feel smothered and short of breath and dizzy if I wear it for very long. A somewhat more serious contributor to the anxiety is that I started a new medication a few weeks ago, and a significant side effect is that it suppresses the autoimmune system. I really don't need that right now. I see that it's making me hyper vigilant about staying safe.

It all adds up. PTSD, depression, anxiety and two kinds of neuropathy. At my Zoom therapy session this morning, I talked about this. And the other issue that compounds everything is suicidal thoughts. At least they're only thoughts now, and I can set them aside by thinking about some things that I want to do, some this week and some at the end of the summer. The tough one is 2 years from now, when my wife and I will celebrate our 50th anniversary by taking a cruise to Alaska. I've been saving money for several years, and I really want to do it.

Fortunately we live in a rural area where there was a silent march one day, but no violence. Adding that to the mix would be more than I can handle right now.

Because we live on ten acres out in the country, we pretty much stay home already by choice. We're naturally hermits, and semi isolate without being told to, except to get groceries, see doctors, and drive through fast food. We've been missing church, though, and we just found out that our church will be starting morning worship service this Sunday. It's going to be a bit strange, seeing everyone wearing masks and sitting 6' away from each other. A couple of years ago, our church got rid of the old uncomfortable pews and replaced them with chairs, so it should be a lot easier to do the distancing by moving chairs around. But no hugs or handshakes, and no coffee in the lobby. Even without the coffee, we're still looking forward to it.

At times like this, it's important, though not easy, to carve out a space for experiencing a level of peace. My space is my yard and gardens. It even seems to reduce my pain - well, maybe not reduce the pain, but at least reduce my awareness of it. I never listen to a radio or music when I'm working outside, much as I love music. The silence is serene. In the summer, I hear the sound of our irrigation sprinklers, and our neighbors'. I hear the cows in our pasture, sometimes a dog barking, horses winneying, at mowing time there are the hay mowers, rakes and bailers. At night there are millions of stars, and the sounds of frogs and insects. I have a lot to be grateful for. My life is far from what I had planned 20 years ago, but in the midst of violence, disunity, hostility, pandemic, and uncertainty, I'm thankful that God has brought me to this place and time.

Jim