Hello everyone, I am not sure how or where to begin so I am going to just jump in there and see what happens. First of all I want to address those who still struggle with PTSD. I have had PTSD most of my life. It began with my father who at one time told me i was never wanted and placing a loaded gun in my hands, suggested I do the world a big favor and just pull the trigger, I was 10 years old, all because my sister was 4 years old and had had a nightmare, her crying disturbed his poker game. I told him that it was me that had a nightmare, I couldn't bear the thought of her getting into trouble. Anyhow, as I was growing up my mother lost her battle with cancer, I was only 1 week 16 years old and I had invested 3 years tending to my younger sisters and brother. I married 3 months after my mother died. I had my first baby at 17 and my second at 18. 2 beautiful, healthy baby girls. just what I wanted. Over the next 30 plus years, I lived with nothing but abuse. Being attracted to men like my father, as with a lot of women , the abuse simply begins with your father but ends with someone just like him. One day I was able to escape a dangerous situation, like most battered women, I was lost. I made it to a telephone and dialed 0. within seconds a woman called me back and gave me direction to someplace safe. It turns out it was a shelter for battered women. I didn't even know such a place existed. I was so traumatized I spent most of my time in a corner just watching and wondering how the other women could smile, and go about cooking, cleaning and taking care of their children like nothing ever happened. I jumped at every little noise. Finally, I was introduced to a counselor. I must have looked terrible because she gasp when she saw me. I liked her, slowly I began to apply some coping skills I had been taught. One day I was sitting in the living room and noticed I felt very strange. The feeling was completely foreign to me. As I pondered over this strange new feeling, I come to realize it was "safe" , I actually felt safe, probably for the first time in my life and I liked it. I was in complete awe over my new found feeling, I began to get stronger, like my battery was being charged. I felt fully aware of my past abuses and right then and there decided I would never be abused again. It took me years to recover but I was strong enough to fight for my sanity. I was determined to get control of the flash backs, the anxiety and the depression, I cried, I was angry, I was hurt, and I was afraid, but over the next 20 years I did what ever I had to do to put my past in the past and live for today. I became a successful nurse and my goal in life was to be the best grandmother and great grandmother that I could be. I bought my own home in the country, I had made it. I MADE IT. I was free of the past, no more flashbacks, no more looking over my shoulder, no more nightmares, NO MORE FEAR. I had not only won the battle but I had won the war. I forgave my father and all my abusers, I was no longer bitter, angry or fearful of them. It was a long journey but well worth it. I truly believe my purpose in life, my reason for living aside from being a good grandma was to help people in any way I could. I have sacrificed a lot and I am ok with that. I give till it hurts but I am ok with that too. Not long ago my son moved in with me and brought a homeless friend with him. Naturally, I took on the job of fixing both of them. Recently I had to ask the friend to leave. I really hated to do it but he was smoking pot and his behavior was down right psychotic, I did everything I could to persuade him to get some help but he refused so as hard as it was I had no choice. He came back the next day and wanted to talk, I told him no there's nothing to talk about. My grandson had to come over and ask him to leave.. I have gone through a lot since my recovery, I lost my youngest daughter to a motorcycle accident, more than a few friend have died. my house burned down and I lost everything, but I provaled . But because of the young man and what he put me through with his psychotic behavior, I have been experiencing PTSD symptoms all over again. I am very vigilant, I don't even take a shower because I would be too vulnerable. I lock my doors and yet at night I lock myself and my dog in my bedroom as well. I bought security cameras that I have placed at my front door and one at my back door, I have a camera in my kitchen and one in my living room and can monitor all 4 from my phone. It's been a week today since he was ask to leave. I really don't think he would hurt me but then again I don't know that for sure. Right now I am trying to figure out why this was so disturbing for me. He didn't threaten me. He has never hurt me, and yet I feel I am over reacting to the whole thing, but these PTSD symptoms are very real indeed. The flashbacks, the anxiety, and the depression are at times almost unbearable. I thought these feeling where over and done with, I fought so long and so hard to get to where I was a week ago. I was on top of the world. I feel like a failure. Is it going to take me another 20 years ? and why did this trigger such feelings? I am 72 years old and I don't have 20 more years to gain control. I am depressed because of my failing. I must have let my guard down for just a second, how could I allow something like this to affect me in such a horrific way. I am fighting this with everything I have in me. I will win this battle again but I don't know that I will win the war. I also quit my job today doing private duty once a week. I am in pain most of the time with a bad back and retired 6 years ago so because of my back my Dr. suggested I retire full time. God I am going to miss working. I have been in the medical field for over 50 years and I feel a loss of something I always held dear. I no longer feel safe, I am uncomfortable in my own home, I am constantly on guard, I am not sleeping well, I can't eat without feeling sick. I am in so much pain that I can't relax. Standing outside myself, I think I am over reacting to something that is not what I am making it out to be. I honestly feel that no harm will come to me and my better judgment tells me i am okay. BUT I don't feel okay. I have a DR. that wil be calling me next week. I am a Navy veteran and go to the VA for all my medical needs but since the virus is here things are being done a little differently so this is a real struggle for me right now. I am so grateful for this site, I feel a little better having been able to vent. Thank you so much for being there when I needed you the most...

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