Dear Parus, this is peach. It is not your fault for having the trauma of ptsd. This comes from me peach who also has had PTSD since birth. My earliest recollection as a child was when I was approximately three years old. I woke up in a dark room on a bed, I was gasping for breath and chocking. I heard women's voices coming from another room. It was my grandmothers and my mothers voices. They were arguing. I smelled my grandmothers smell on the sheets. Now all was ok. My grandma was here. My mother tried to strangle me. This was only the beginning of a most terrible,terrible life. Both mental and physical torture and pain. And this goes even deeper than one can imagine. (I have always wanted to write a book about this.). It never stopped and went on until I ran away. I think being treated this way, at home, at work in the army at war, etc. This is the brain being whipped into submission with extreme pain. My story goes deep and I am sure this affects every other person under these many circumstances. Some how keep up your hope, pray, do anything to keep holding on. With the most endearing love for you, Peach