Hello. I'm new here. You might be able to tell I just took this picture after a panic attack. Couldn't smile without faking it. I've probably had ptsd most of my life. From a very young child, I tried to be the pacemaker between my parents. They fought all the time, verbally and physically. Once, when I was probably about 4 years old, my father was beating my mother on the head or anywhere he could reach and I grabbed him around the ankles to try to stop him. Her just drug me across the floor while still trying to get to her. Another vivid memory is when they were in the basement fighting. I was about 5 then. My mama was screaming my name saying" help me! He's going to kill me!" I remember sitting upstairs listening and trying to figure out what to do. I was crying so hard because I couldn't fix it. My mom came upstairs and said to me "why didn't you help me? I thought he was going to kill me!" I felt so guilty, and still do. I know a 5 year old couldn't have done anything, but that doesn't cancel the emotion. Most of the time when they were fighting, I would get into my small closet with my teddy bear and close the door. I would cry and hug teddy and pet him and tell him everything was going to be OK. Later, when I started school, things still the same at home but got picked on in school because I was so shy. College was ok except for when exams came up. Then I would go into panic mode. Got married to a charming psychopath for 18 years. My mom had a devasting stroke when I was 38. I worked full time but moved with psychopath an hour and a half away to take care of her at home. I felt so sorry for her. Did everything that I knew to do for her until she passed away 6 years later. Took care of my dad for 2 more years until he passed away. More to those stories, but would take to much time. Then about 4 years later my husband committed suicide in front of his parents. He had threatened to kill me that weekend, so was with a friend when it happened. Much, much more to this story, but suffice it to say that I have complex PTSD and my brain is hardwired for the slightest threat. Even if there is no threat at all. I wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks. Depression, worry, ect. On meds which keep me from going totally crazy. Fortunately, my fight or flight response is always flight. Most days are miserable for me and many are horrible. Have cut, burned myself multiple times during panic attacks because it takes my mind off of the hurt inside. Have been to therapists, psychiatrists. They have helped some, but this will never go away. I pray every day for God to re-wire my brain. Have cirrhosis now from self medicating before I went to a psyciatrist. It's a terrible way to live. Anyone else with complex PTSD?