I also am one of those people who has drug-resistant Depression. The meds I'm on help a bit, but I never feel what I would call happy. It seems no matter what I do, nothing makes me happy. I'm not sure I even know what happy feels like. But this is as good as it gets, so I'll just have to live with it. There are a lot of great books out there on Depression and Aniety and, what I have - Cyclothymia and do avail yourself to them. I hope you have a good support group, a group of folks who are with you no matter what, who you can call anytime of the day or night and they would be there in a minute's notice. That's so important ..... it makes you feel less alone. I'm struggling with that right now as 2 years ago I left my hometown of 35 years and moved abut 4 hours away, closer to my grown kids. My entire support system is up there ..... friends, church, doctors .. everything. For awhile it was really really rough, but I'm doing better. I'll be moving to a new apartment which is closer to my kids, and it's more like real community. I'm praying that I'll be able to settle in and make it my "nest."
No, you're not alone with the drug-resistant D/A ...... there's a lot of us, we just don't talk about it. Take care my friend, and keep writing to all of us ... we're here, we understand, and will help hold you up when your knees begin to weaken.
Blessings,
abby

@amberpep

Abby, thanks for writing. I also have treatment resistant depression, and I thought for more than 10 years that, on a scale of 1-10, I'd never make it to 6, but I did, though I've dipped back down to a 5 a few times. Like you, I've accepted that 6 is my new 9. I share the feeling of not being able to remember what happy felt like. Things that used to make me happy, and brought pleasure, no longer do. I think my therapist called it dysthymia, having a "normal" baseline that's lower than most people have.

Fifteen years ago, I had a very different (and wrong) perception of mental illness. All of that changed over a short period of time. It changed from a very academic view to being immersed in it. I've since realized that I had been living for decades with anxiety and PTSD, and was prone to depression.

I really wanted to begin ECT, but my wife was very much against it, and working out the logistics became way too overwhelming, so I stopped the process. I had been approved for it, and the psychiatrist strongly recommended it, because medication and therapy had had a limited effect. Maybe it was for the best, but I still regret not being able to move forward to that next step.

I've read a bunch of books, and have learned a lot about myself. When I was in the deepest, darkest place, I couldn't read even a magazine article, nor could I pray. It was a place I hope never to return to. It's a place of despair, hopelessness, worthlessness and utter lostness. I gained a new understanding and respect for those who've been there, and survived.

I'd write more, but it's time for devotions with my wife, so I'll just say goodnight.

Jim

Hi Jim, @jimhd

Thanks for continuing the discussion on treatment-resistant depression. You and Abby have both developed some good "thinking-strategies" for dealing with a difficult problem. Your sharing on this forum is appreciated!

Teresa