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Dealing with a Spouse with a “Mild Cognitive Impairment”
Caregivers: Dementia | Last Active: Jun 26 11:56am | Replies (699)Comment receiving replies
It seems like such a lonely path. I found a life coach on Headspace. I try to set some goals for myself because I am having to do the paperwork, the driving, and anything involving electronics or fixing things. At 80 years of age, I didn’t choose to learn all of this stuff, but if we want to stay in our house and be independent, I am going to have to. It’s good that you found a therapist to talk to about your challenges. One of my goals was to find a group to share this journey with, I’m very grateful for this group.
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Hi there, I totally get the having to do EVERYTHING and the loneliness due to a husband who is just not there mentally anymore, and now that he's not safe to drive - I'm planning everyday around getting him out so he won't feel stuck at home. We had 2 graduations and a funeral to go to in the last 3 weeks so I drove over 1800 miles and planned hotels, bathroom stops and food for each trip. I'm glad that at 79, I can still do all that I do but some days I can feel resentful and even angry about my circumstances. After 53 years of not the best relationship to begin with, this new "in charge" role feels so unfair. I do have a kind counselor who helps me to deal with my need to "fix" everything. With dementia, there is no fixing, only accepting, distracting, agreeing and in one sense relating to my husband as if he were a 5 year old. That is what makes me feel alone - treating an 80 year old man like a 5 year old is not only hard it is so very sad. In one way, we would have had a much better marriage had I treated him this way all along. ha ha. I am half Italian so I have a temper and I am use to speaking up when things aren't right - wow - this new role is making me cross eyed. Learning phrases like: I know you feel useless and that's hard or I know you want to drive and I would be sad about that too. It's all about acknowledging their feelings when you want to scream about how pissed off you are about how they are screwing up YOUR life! That might seem like a relief to say it but then I'd feel so guilty about upsetting him that it's not worth it and won't change a thing. At least he is docile for now, not aggressive or demanding. Life is better if I keep a peaceful attitude. I play instrumental music, talk about simple things without emotion, listen to his concerns and try to be the uninvolved helper as if I were visiting him as an employed caregiver. I'm taking one day at a time. Trying to enjoy the fact that he doses off a lot and his old needy self has mellowed over the years. There are some good things about this - he doesn't hold a grudge for weeks and if I do mess up with an outburst - he forgets it in a few hours! hurray for that one!! Bless all of us who are learning new behaviors in our older years in order to stay in our own homes and be as independent as possible. hugs ~