@jakedduck1 Hello, Leonard!!! Well, I do feel like we're friends, from all your messages I've read and enjoyed . I didn't respond to you or join the discussions...interestingly....I think because I've been focusing so on other health issues, on enjoying so many wonderful folks on Connect, getting so much better with Mayo and lots of work, and epilepsy took so much energy all my life, I think I didn't want to give it any more precious energy. Can you understand that?

For my entire life, epilepsy was at the center of my life. It forced itself on me and in that place in my life. I hated that! I was only 11 when I had my first grand mal seizure, during sleep and I don't remember where I was. The first seizure I recall was being at camp when we lived in North Carolina, away for 2 weeks of fun and horses and lake swimming and new friends......after a few days of excitement, away from home for the first time, eating different foods, lots of elevated emotions and loss of sleep!!!!!! always a key element....I found myself off the top bunk where I loved sleeping, and on the floor, with gobs of faces looking down at me, so close and scary. Then, naturally, I was whisked off in an amblence to hospital for several days, then home and never away at camp again.

As you well know, it was frightening, physically devastaing causing many changes in my body and life, invaded all areas of my life. And, of course, my self esteem went into the basement. I was cute, fun, talented, pretty, and had lots of friends. Suddenly, I was scared of life, of what people were saying or thinking about me, that I was scary different, some friends and their parents were scared and avoided me. We as kids deal with these things on some level anyway as we grow, but epilepsy colored it all. And, it was then considered devil possession, evil. Think of that....what it does to the child and family....

So, you see, for me to discuss it even now is dificult for me. I've dealt with those feelings through thr years, more so recently, but memories are still there. Memories is an interesting subject. I've lost most of my childhood, and some adult memories. I think due greatly to the seizure medications over so many years. Beginning with dilantin and phenobarbitol. I was on them, in varying and increasing doses, for many years. That was the treatment. Well, Jake, those meds harmed me in many ways. My gums, teeth, thinking, emotions , personality and much more....then finally my liver functions were so wild and wonky when I was in hospital in my late 20's and docs thought I was an alcoholic! Had hepatitis and everyone had to suit up and wear masks in my room!

I didn't and don't drink alcohol. At that time, I might have a couple times a year have half a glass of wine or southern comfort w/something, couple of sips, but that's it. So, finally my family doctor determined this was a reaction to the seizure meds. I may be one of the earliest patients with that diagnosis. I was changed to another med and liver functions were normal! My personality improved as did seizure control, thinking, etc.

I had horrid experiences in hospitals through the years taken off one seizure med due to side effects or reduced seizure control......cold turkey stopping the med. I experienced withdrawal, often horrible, seeing spiders on the walls and on me and no sleep, emotions totally out of control, etc. I went through these experiences several times, used 6-7 different meds as they came out or as I needed a change.

Finally, when in my 40's I think, I started on Tegretol. It was a breath of fresh air, had fewer.....some, but fewer side effects. My personality wasn't affected much, seizures were well controlled. I've always had a seizure now and then, if I lost a lot of sleep or didin't eat well or too much junk, extreme emotional stress like divorce or whatever.......but they were much better on Tegretol. Fewer by far, no defecating or urinating during seizure, fewer after effects and could often go to work the day after. I thought Tegretol was a gift!

Then, after 20 years on Tegretol, I began to have more seizures and other side effects. It became serious and I was changed to Lamictal......gradually reducing the Teg and adding the Lamictal!!!! No hospital! No withdrawal!! Wonderful. Lamictal was good for me. Worked well with good results and few side effects for several years. Then, a couple years ago I began having more seizures, several monthly by the time I was seeing neurology at Mayo for possible MS. Balance, walking, tremors, etc for over 12 years w/no definitive diagnosis nor treatment.

Now, tapered off Lamictal and Lyrica and Neurontin and Oxycodone and 800mg ibuprophen 4X daily and other serious drugs - seizures, neuropathy, pain, nerve pain, arthritis/chronic pain/fibromyalgia, etc. I take 120mg cymbalta and will forever I hope as it truly helps reduce the pain, all over. I use MJ 1:1 tincture, CBD tincture and THC spray. and lotion. Wonderful!

Re sleeping: the pillows are a good safety addition. I use a c-pap so breathing is constant and not an issue. It was, severe apnea, but I love that c-pap and it works wonders. The pillows are also a bit on the sides, as I use them to protect my from a fall off the bed or hitting my head on the side table. You know, they are also quite comforting.

Seizure diagnosis.....I had multiple nocturnal seizures for several nights after meds taken away when in hospital last year at Mayo....I think these were and may have been for a few years psychogenic seizures. Don't know about sarcoid. Good question. I believe I did have epileptic seizures for most of my life. I have no indication yea or nay, but the eeg's and testing did show irregularities. The last 25+ years were filled with enormous emotional & physical stress as I oversaw my mother's altzheimer's care, with her daily while owning/running my shop for 10 years. Last 17 years, son disabled with dystonia and in his own living hell. I'm his cargiver. He's as of 2 weeks ago under the care of Mayo neurology, dystonia specialist! HOPE!

I will join the epilepsy thread, thanks for the invite. I can do it now. It's been quite a journey. I'm able emotionally now to deal with the shock and changes and am off so much 'stuff', doing much better all around. Still muscle issues, balance and such, but Requip/dopamine is helping so much!

Long message!!!! But, now you know the story. Enjoyed sharing with you, Leonard, this journey with epilepsy isn't one I share easily or often. You, sir, are special. You understand, really. You've been there.....blessings, Leonard. Keep up your fight and winning! You are remarkable, you know. elizabeth