@jessamyn

What a heavy load you're carrying. I understand how your mother feels. When suffering lasts for a long time and completely takes over one's life, it erodes the will to live. Living turns into existing, and when we exist at that level long enough, hope disappears.

I've been at that place. I existed in a very deep depression for more than 5 years, and actually did make suicide attempts during that time. Over the course of those rough years, therapists and doctors and medications and my family and my faith were the lifeline that extracted me from the hole. And they continued to get me to a safe place where I wouldn't fall back in. I still struggle, more than 15 years from when I spiraled out of control.

Do take her thoughts about wanting to die seriously. Has she ever said what her plan was? If she's thinking about taking an overdose, you will need to keep medications locked up, and be diligent about making sure she takes them (to be sure she's not hoarding them).

Spirituality can be a powerful resource for you. Are there things that have helped you, such as meditation? If so, maybe you could tell me just what meditation means. There are many methods, some that are great and some that can be harmful. From all you've said, I can see that you understand the need for self care.

I have to stop writing now, but I promise you that I'll pray for you as you deal with some difficult issues.

I pray that you will have peace of mind and heart. You are loved by the one who created you.

Jim