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Grief support: Anyone experiencing anticipatory grief?
Caregivers: Dementia | Last Active: May 28 3:13pm | Replies (35)Comment receiving replies
Sorry to read about your situation. I was sole caregiver for my wife of 72 years - for six years. I've been grieving her now for a little over five months, and wishing that I was still doing all the things I did while caring for her. I've now Joined three grief support functions - one a weekly group meeting, a once monthly zoom meeting and a person to person weekly telephone call from a member of my wife's former hospice team. So far the weekly group meeting has been most helpful.
I had to place my wife in a Memory Care facility just one month prior to her passing last Dec. and I feel guilty for doing so, but had no choice, considering that my ability to continue the number of transfers (wheelchair to and from bed or toilet) were putting both of us in danger of falls and serious injury. My health was failing (91 YO) and I was not able to find a support agency that would meet my needs of six to eight hours a day split shifts (just to cover the times when transfers were needed). Why I mention that is because that last month in a facility was not a very happy experience for her, and I feel a lot of guilt for not being able to care for her that last month - although I did spend every day, for as long as I could with her - it was only a 20 minute drive each way.
As to the grief support, as I noted the weekly group meetings have been most helpful for me, I actually look forward to them, they are the only social life I have right now. Although my family does support me, telephone calls every day from children and grands, a weekly visit from a daughter and a meal out once in awhile. However, and maybe it's just me, but I'm not comfortable sharing my grief with family. So....the only time I actually "let it out" is with others who are experiencing the same feelings - the group is strictly for those who have lost a spouse or partner, as is the zoom meetings.
Of course this site has also allowed me to share and hopefully be of some assistance to others, by sharing my experience down this very sad path.
All the best to you and your husband, hope you find the right support when the time comes - in the meantime, take care of yourself so that you are able to take care of him. It sound as though you are doing the right thing with all of the love and kisses - there can never be enough!
Replies to "Sorry to read about your situation. I was sole caregiver for my wife of 72 years..."
@fred1 What a beautiful post this morning, and dignified to your loved one every step of the way. I would never feel guilt for loving and doing what you did out of love for your wife. She landed in a better place until she passed even if her last month wasn't pleasurable - I'm sorry for your loss. You recognized you could no longer lift the wheelchairs and do the deteriorating things that happen in this disease. I know it's hard to do sharing how you feel with loved ones, but sometimes, they are grieving, too and want to join in with your grief. Sharing is caring, and considering, that their journey losing your wife - their mother, isn't easy. I just remember how I felt when my father passed and my mother couldn't and wouldn't share. I felt so alone in all of it.
Thank you for posting your journey. Sometimes doing what's right feels so oh, so wrong - but you took care of your beloved wife, the best you could and sought help when you knew you both needed it. Best, Karla
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@fred1 I lost my husband to this horrible disease in February and i'm still very numb from it all. The last 6 months of his life ( 1 week on hospice before his passing) were the hardest because I had to admit him to the VA hospital for his care because I could no longer manage his violent physical outbursts. and wasn't able to visit him as much as I wanted, due to him being 2.5 hours away, all while caring for my 98 year old mom. I haven't sought any support groups (yet) other than the support of my friends and family. They have been great by listening and just let me cry, vent, be angry, etc but I know I need the support of others who have experienced the same as me and vice versa but im just not there yet and really don't know why? Maybe because I don't want to re-live what this did to us? And just want to hold onto the (short-lived) memories I have? We met in 2011 and married in 2020 and he was diagnosed in 2021. I have all this time on my hands now without having to worry about him or keeping my life on hold TO take care of him ( which I would do all over again). Because while he was still here, I had a purpose to get up every morning... now I'm trying to find a purpose now. Yes, I still have my mom here, who by the way is still very mobile..can do her own laundry, sews, makes rosaries, still involved with her lady's group with lunches and other outings, so yes, that is a purpose as well,, but it's just not the same. I dont' feel like I'm needed as much and I want that feeling back, as wierd as it may sound. Because if I could be the caregiver to him again, that means he would still be here, I miss him SO very much every day and not sure how to go forward without him. Maybe over time I will seek our a support group.
If anyone has advice/suggestions for the grief I'm experiencing I would appreciate it!
Love and hugs to all