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I read through this with great interest. I commend those of you truly working on your depression. Maybe that didn't come out sounding right. Those that will take a step and continue. I don't have depression but my husband does. I do try to understand and be tolerant but it is extremely difficult at times. He was a workaholic, which did keep his depression under somewhat control. When he retired 10 years ago it has become increasingly worse. He has tried some treatments, CBT, talk therapy, iop, meds , even shock therapy. He just chalks it up to being treatment resistant and says I just don't understand. I see him as going through the motions but not actually doing the work. Reading up on depression does give me insight and better understanding. Especially to read your first hand accounts. I never wanted to be a caregiver or in charge but his procrastination, not taking responsibility and detachment have made life so difficult. I feel that it is impossible to make some wins for both of us. When I have tried being supportive his depression is able to turn that into a negative. I'd like whatever input, tips, insights anyone can give me. We have done couples therapy. We were told [6 years ago] that until my husband can get a better hold on his depression that the couples therapy wasn't really getting us anywhere.
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@crabby55 I read and reread your post...it's indeed heartbreaking to see one's spouse sink into a state that only sounds getting more hopeless, specially when you try to be supportive. Indeed therein lies the glimmer of truth -- and hope.
Your husband Buried depression with overwork, and that shows the problem was never faced; he had depression all along.
As an 82 y.o. I never had depression except maybe a short few months or less when there were Real problems with survival. In your case, your husband does not seem to have any Real problems of life about survival. So what's going on.?
I have read -- and do -- a lot about mental health especially about addiction, anxiety and depression., issues that are common in the affluent world. Why?
It seems humans do not live for survival needs alone and that's why we often times live even live difficult lives to do what we Want From Our One LIFE. It is also called finding Our Purpose. We want to Matter in this world, not just a cog in the humanity. Thankfully each comes with desires and gifts that society can benefit from. It is thru such use of time that gives us a sense that We Matter, that We Did what was Important. It could be something as simple as helping those who were just struck with bad luck. Or children who have parents who are not able to help with their children's homework. You get the idea; we all can find what is a Useful/Gratifying work that one can look back before going to sleep and say: I did use my day in ways that Mattered to Do Good. Some call it finding Purpose in life.
I retired at 67 so that I could devote seven days a week into what I aspired to. I had a one-day anxiety attack that choked my breath. I came out of it by basically reminding myself in life great disappointments do happen. I sat with myself confronting myself, and that was how I never had it again. I declined professional help. I feel better for it as I Did It Myself.
Your husband too needs such little (or large) triumphs to remind him that his life matters not just to himself but Others. To make a Good society, a Good Nation.
I eat right and stay active not because these are good for health but because I Need Health FOR doing the good I am to do in My Life.
I hope you can help your hubby for a great life that awaits him.
Good Luck!
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@crabby55
I am 80 years old and have struggled with depression since I was 16. I have had many medications and treatments. When I worked, I had purpose. When I retired, I lost my purpose for living and sank like a rock. I made a half-hearted attempt at suicide and was hospitalized. Here is what keeps me going: being with other people, volunteer work and my dog. I belong to three groups, so I force myself to participate. I volunteer at a food kitchen so I see people in much worse condition than I. I walk my dog three times a day so I have to get out. My dog loves me, no matter what.. Depression does not go away. It is a life-long struggle. A part-time job is an excellent idea. Godspeed.