How do you deal with the waiting and loss of control?

I am a man and never thought I would have breast cancer. I did it alone before deciding on provider and surgery. The only thing I can share with you is a cancer podcast interview where I was asked how did I do it, processing, managing emotions and cultural bias. Even now I struggle with side effects of daily meds and listen to the podcast for inspiration. Lol
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cancer-caregiver/id1504166813

Oh did you bring back memories. I'm seven years out, from surgery, chemo and radiation and
still on hormone blockers but I sure remember where you are right now. I too had no family history of any cancer much less breast cancer. I sort of assumed too...
First of all, even if you had history of cancer in your family, (mother, aunt or sister) there is only a small chance that you would get it too. While there is a gene (BRCA) that can predispose some women to breast cancer but they are most frequently Jews whose ancestors came from Northern Europe. Even if you're Jewish you might not have it. Even if you're not Jewish, they will test you for it. It's just a blood test. It isn't as genetic as we usually think.
You should research. Now this is my personal opinion, but I would recommend that you get a second opinion, not just of the cancer but of the course of treatment. It might mean traveling to a major cancer center or maybe Mayo Clinic. Some centers like Dana-Farber in Boston do second opinions online. https://www.dana-farber.org/appointments-second-opinions/second-opinion-program Your records and scans may have to go there, but you don't.
At best, you will know that your doctors' opinions are the same as at one of the major cancer center. Then you'll always have peace of mind that their course of action is exactly what you would have gotten at a major cancer center or the Mayo Clinic.
On the other hand they might notice something your doctors didn't or know some new treatment and you'd have an option you didn't know about. I wish I had gotten a second opinion. There was a different surgery that I could have had that might have had a better outcome.
Now, I hope I haven't made you more anxious. Don't forget your PCP. He or she knows you better than your cancer care team at this point. If you're feeling really anxious you should make an appointment with your PCP or PA. He or She might prescribe something to help your anxiety. But he/she will also understand that you need emotional support. He or she will review the pathology report with you. My PCP gave me extra time in an appointment and let me cry and scream. PCPs get it. You're not their first cancer patient.
You need to be good to yourself right now. If there is a place you like to go, maybe a park or a lake or the Ocean (I have no idea where you live). Maybe it is your place of worship. Just try to center yourself. Go there. Treat yourself to something special. If you like tiramisu or chocolate ice cream get it. If you have Diabetes, don't do that. 🙂 Make a special meal for yourself. Get your nails done. Go out with friends.
Don't try to second guess the whole thing at once. Everything in cancer treatment is one step at a time and everything will be explained to you. You'll be given tons of literature.
I used to say I am not battling cancer. I'm just showing up. I'm letting the doctors battle cancer. They have the expertise. You don't have to know everything.

As for your body betraying you that is going to take a long time. You're going to feel a sense of betrayal in different ways over a period of time. While you're going through it, you'll think you've gone down that rabbit's hole. But it gets better with time. You can't make it go fast. You are beginning a new life. You have your pre-cancer life and you are going to find you will have a post cancer life.
I didn't know about Mayo Clinic Connect until after my treatment. You're at least one step ahead of where I was. There are other support groups too. Check out SHARE Cancer Support. There is also an exercise program for people who have had cancer and/or are over 50. It's called Moving for Life. Some of the classes are by Zoom. It is gentle exercises. I took t'ai chi by Zoom through AARP. I found the American Cancer Society was very supportive. They too have peer support. You're not alone. You won't be alone through this. Ask your family and/or friends for support. They don't have a clue at this point of what to do for you. If you need someone to accompany you for appointments that can be very helpful just make sure that person isn't an anxiety driven person. You are the only one allowed to be anxiety driven right now. You want to assign jobs to calmer relatives and friends. When I needed a ride I didn't need someone driving and swearing at other drivers or worrying out loud about traffic or parking. You can assign your more anxiety prone friends to do things like running errands for you. Every job is important. I had a young friend who lived over 1.000 miles from me. She wanted to help. I appointed her my Public Affairs person. I sent her a list of everyone I wanted informed after surgery. I sent her their email addresses. Then I gave her email address to my boyfriend who would be at the hospital. When I came out of surgery he contacted my young friend on the other side of the country, and she sent out an e-mail that I had gotten out of surgery and was doing well. Get people involved. If you have a place of worship let them know at least let the pastor or imam or rabbi know. Members may be able to provide you with meals or do basic chores for you or they may add you to their prayers. People want to help you but you need to let them know how.
I can't tell you you're going to be okay. For awhile you're not going to feel okay. Right now, it's surreal isn't it? I can tell you cancer and cancer treatment is temporary. Your life has changed but it will get easier.

Write. Keep a journal, or a blog if you want. Remember don't define yourself by cancer. If you like to bake, bake. If you like to sew or do needlework do it or garden. If you like to play tennis or basketball, whatever, do it. You are more than cancer.

For me, I felt a better sense of control when I wrote out an “if this, then that”. I went through all the bc support websites and looked at research, and made a list. I filled about 3 pages of a legal pad.

It looked like this:
- If lumpectomy is recommended, then it could be that I have breast conserving surgery, or simple lumpectomy, or a rearrangement of tissue to mask the missing tissue.
If I have a simple lumpectomy, then where will the sutures be and how will that look.
- If mastectomy is recommended, then do I want an aesthetic closure, plan for implant, or reconstruction. Get details on how this would work for me.
- If … then …

I actually went into more detail, with all the information I found. It made me feel that I knew that I had the information to make a decision, and it gave me back a sense of control. I told myself to set aside this list for a day, and get something else done. Then I’d go back and review what I wrote, made sure I could find the scenario that would be similar to the recommended treatment when I was with the doctor. It filled some days leading up to my appointment.

@triciaot Kansas girl here, so I'm all about the ruby slippers. I had to wait 5 days over the promised time for my biopsy results. I did a lot of reading and used my mammogram results while doing the biopsy as a base. I learned a lot, and it wasn't scary at all. I had a friend tell me "get your mammoSquash" because she was diagnosed with a form of breast cancer. She had a lumpectomy followed by a bit of radiation. She is now cancer free. If you're concerned about sutures - don't be. They literally use glue now! (imagine what I felt when I got my hip replacement with my glue) and it's waterproof. You do keep a bandage over it, and it leaves a teeny tiny scar. I call them war wounds. You did just the right thing in calming down enough to read, be informed, write out what your questions are, UNDERSTAND what your doctor is talking about, and you're able to listen to your doctor comprehending what she/he is talking about. It is getting your power back!

*click click" Dorothy - you're going to be fine and in great hands!
-Jane

@malebreastcancer47
Thank you ❤️

@wellgirl
Thank you ❤️

@triciaot
Thank you ❤️

@jlwilcox
Thank you ❤️

So much good advice in this site. There is no need to repeat what you’ve already read. I had DCIS almost 15 years ago and was still surprised when I turned up with grade 3 IDC this past summer! I got the news two days before a bad case of Covid! I immediately reached out to some trusted family members and friends and asked for their best anxiety remedies. Not sure if this is for you, but CBD (no marijuana) gummies helped me at times. Exercise is my other fail proof remedy. Something to get out of your head and remind yourself that you have a good body (that is now growing cancer).

Anyway, my tip is to remember that when you read statistics (such as 30-50% of people with the type of cells that were seen in my mammogram indicate invasive cancer; or, 20% recurrence rate after treatment) that you have to look at the “other side” too - that meant that I had a 70% chance of not having cancer (didn’t beat that one) and now have an 80% chance of this cancer never coming back; half that if I keep with the hormone treatment). It’s so easy to get lost in the numbers.

Keep checking in with your gut and your heart. You will read positive stories here and many stories of problems so remember that breast cancer treatment works for huge numbers of women. You’ve got this.

I understand your dilemma, you are not alone!! I got breast cancer twice, second time around (26 years later) with no cancer gene!! I had my DNA tested. It's only 200.00+ if you can find 3 to 4 people in your family with cancer, and you find out what kind of cancer. Hopefully this will make you feel a little better. But, cancer is a roller coaster of a ride and you will go through highs of I got this, to the lows of I don't (got) this meaning that over whelming feeling. And it's normal, but, it's not normal to stay in bed for days. I have surmised that this is temporary!!!!! Horrible yes, but, temporary. You just have to fight like hell to stay with treatments and tell your brain to just relax! Very hard to do. But, you have to stop driving yourself crazy. the cancer can be self induced like smoking like a chimney and they die of lung cancer to having any of the bad cancers, triple negative, Her2 3+.HER 2 2+ and braca. If I missed some I do apologize. I am really talking about just cancer stuff folks. Starting phase two of treatments soon for herceptin and letrozole. I had a hell of a time with chemo. Just praying that phase two is easier on me. But, only time will tell. Keep your spirits up and have good people around you, helps. No one,... call Visiting Angels, call your breast navigator, PT, neighbors and anyone that will help , and be consistent with you. I learned to be my own advocate, but, need lots of reasearch,but pass that knowledge by your doctors and especially your oncologist. But, the oncologists, stay in their lane. With good reason, so you will need someone who has good medical knowledge about you to assist you in what would be the right medicines or supplements to use with your kind of cancer. The internet, sometimes, is the snake oil of our times and isn't helpful at all and shouldn't be followed. But, if you have reliable people that are knowledge let them help you. But, you are the ultimate person to maintain your quality of life before, after, and during the journey, which is temporary!!! Good luck,but you all are not alone.