@colleenyoung Thanks for replying, not that really, I can’t trust anyone who says that I can or I should rely on them.
From those years, I found a rule— the closest ones would bring you the most deeply and painfully hurt.
I am acutely aware that I am currently overwhelmed by an uncontrollable urge to self-destruct. The clearer I become about what I have gained and lost through past experiences, the more unbearable it all feels. While blaming external factors, I also feel a sense of self-blame. I wonder if it's because one of those factors is my mother—when I'm lucid, I empathize with her. I can fully understand the logic behind every action she took from her perspective. In my senior year of high school, she was driven to attempt suicide by my father. She used to be strong-willed, but after that, she seemed to think that being more submissive might earn her more tolerance (she applied this same tactic to me, making me feel morally blackmailed). She only tells me what I can gain, and in truth, those gains are merely superficial. She never tells me how significant the things I lose might be to me. Perhaps he only knows what I appear to lose on the surface, but he doesn't know what kind of damage or loss it brings me, what I can accept and what I can't. Because he doesn't know these things either. And I know I speak harshly to her sometimes, I can't control it. But while I can empathize with him, I can't control my anger—or maybe it's just frustration at his unwillingness to change. When I bring these things up, she falls silent. I know she can't bear to hear those words, and I can imagine how she feels.