Thank You John for your kind reply. I have tried both CBD oil and vaporizing. The oil helps me with anxiey when pain and fear grip me to my core but the THC only works if I am really high which I do not care for. Losing my cognative ablities is a side effect that is problematic. My partner had to do everything for me because I could not think. It does have its place I think. It can be better than some dark alternatives. I hope you are doing well your self. Again, thank you for your reply.
Kristine

@pinkpain51

I'm terribly sorry for the level of suffering you experience. Pain is such a hard thing to cope with. I've been living with burning pain in my feet from peripheral neuropathy for the past several years, and the fact that it never stops is difficult to describe to someone who's never had it.

I think that I could deal with the neuropathy pain more easily if it weren't accompanied by mental pain. One writer called it a "brain storm". In my own experience, suicidal ideation has been the most difficult side effect to handle. I know it's not a very socially acceptable topic of conversation, but it's no less real by ignoring it. I've attempted a number of times, and as you said, it appears to be the most rational solution to our pain at times. Again, those who haven't been there probably can't understand.

When I'm using my rational mind, I see things differently, of course. I think of the pain it would cause my wife who's stuck by my side for 45 years. I think of my two little granddaughters, one who's 4, and the other just 2 months old. I wouldn't get to watch them grow up and they wouldn't have a grandpa. My wife would have to sell the home we own because she couldn't take care of the place. I've done a huge amount of landscaping, and we have 10 acres of pasture. I spend 6 hours a day all summer working outside, either in the yard, or painting one of the buildings, or trapping ground squirrels and gophers, and the list never ends. I just have to work through the pain. My wife loves our home, and I feel a profound sense of guilt when I think of her being forced to leave it.

Well, I need to take my opioids and rub Lidocaine cream on my feet and Voltaren cream on my arthritic hands, and go to sleep so I can get up for church in the morning. I do have that to look forward to, and thanks to some meds and my CPAP, I usually sleep well. I'm thankful for that.

I'll be thinking of you, Kristine, and praying for you.

Jim

Thank you Jim for your kind reply. I understand, I truly do. I have alot to be thankful for as well and try to find the good where I can. People don't want to hear of real suffering. It is a lonely proposition and sometimes it makes me even more lonely when my loved ones, particularly my daughter doesn't really understand. I don't see her on a regular basis so she likes to point out my flaws like repeating things I have already said. I have a good proffesional team and meds that give me moments of reprieve. Many feel that narcotics are not the answer but I would be very open to someone giving me something that works. I wonder why people don't talk about the kind of pain that is not survivable? Who wouldn't be suicidal when you are in so much pain you can't breath or lift your head off a pillow? Even now i have days where it gets that bad in spite of the opiods. It is not 24/7 anymore and I am so grateful but when the drugs where off I am right back there again. I do alot of meditation and work with my PT person on ways to strengthen my body so it doesnt athrophy. It sounds like you are active as well and I think moving is a huge benifit. my damage is in my thoracic so walking is far better than any kind of sitting. I don't really sit. It is suprising to me that we don't have better drugs for pain. I have been researching brain stimulation that interupt pain signals. It is still in trial but I have hope that down the road we can develop better treatments. my suicidal ideations are only present when my pain is absolutely intolerable so the idea that therapy is going to take the pain away is ridiculous but with that said I think it can help with coping. I am glad you have a partner who has stuck by your side and I am hoping for a grandbaby myself. My daughter has been trying and is working with a fertility specialist now. Thank you so much for sharing and that Volteran can work along with other drugs I have found as well. My prayers go out to you and I hope the summer brings brighter days ahead. your understanding helped me today thank you:)
Sincerely,
Kristine

@pinkpain51 to you and to others who are having similar experiences. I applaud your bravery and that you are able to maintain good attitudes despite what you are going through. You really have to be brave. This type of interminable pain is incomprehensible to me, thankfully.
I hope they manage to find some remedies that will give you some relief. Prayers are with you.
JK

@pinkpain51

I see the therapist for depression, PTSD, anxiety disorder, panic attacks and suicidal ideation. I want to talk with him about the pain issue, and ask if I could be helped by seeing a pain psychologist. It would mean 2 hours of driving.

In October of 2015, we drove from our home in central Oregon to visit our daughter in New Hampshire and our son in Indianapolis, a 5 week combination of pleasure seeing our kids and families, and seeing several national parks, and suffering the worst pain I had experienced up until that time. Grand Canyon, the Petrified Forest, Roosevelt National Park, Badlands, Gettysburg, and all points in between were just as beautiful with the pain as they would have without it.

It's certainly true that focusing on the good and positive is therapeutic.

I've been helped by what many people have said in this forum. I've also felt like a wimp reading the stories of those who are living with more pain than I can imagine. If only Eve hadn't given in to the devil's temptation to eat from the one forbidden tree in the garden of other delicious fruit! Little did Eve and Adam know the implications of their act. I guess that ought to be a good lesson for all of us to learn. As Donne wrote, "No man is an island." Sometimes, the little things we do or say cast a long shadow.

Well, I've waxed more philosophical than usual, and it's time to go to an appointment with the speech pathologist to continue digging for the causes and solutions for my esophageal dysmotility.

I hope it's as sunny today where you live as it is here in central Oregon.

Blessings.

Jim

I am so glad you were able to take such an amazing trip. I dream of being able to do such things. Positive thoughts help more than negative but sometimes our bodies demand attention. I love the outdoors and hope you get to have a good summer. I planted flowers the other day and had some hummingbirds come to my feeder finally. Hummingbirds inspire me. They are so small but so determined to gaurd their syrup source that they will dive bomb any size bird. They are fearless and I can learn from that. Thank you for sharing:)