Hi Kristi -
Welcome to the group from another skeptical support group person who has been converted! This group is wonderful and so helpful with ideas and suggestions. I have never engaged in support groups before either, and was not inclined to do so at first, but I am very glad that I did. For me, not having my husband as a reliable sounding board any longer has been a big challenge, and this group has helped to fill the gap.
I wish I could say that I don't get irritated anymore, but that isn't true. I am 10 years in on this journey of watching and trying to support him through this slow decline and although I am MUCH better at handling the frustrations, I am far from perfect, and no matter how much more patience I can achieve, I find that something else changes and MORE patience is needed. Teepa Snow has some good videos on the "changing brain" (most are free on Youtube) that have helped me put things in perspective. The harsh reality is that my husband's brain is dying a little more each day, until one day a part that is in charge of running something really important like his heart or respirations is going to quit and then that will be the end. So even though I get frustrated when I discover a day later that he put the bottle of cream in the pantry closet instead of the refrigerator when he was "helping" me put away groceries, I try not to get upset or tell him in a way that might make him feel bad. I just deal with it and move on and remind myself that he really can't do tasks without supervision anymore. It's not his fault; his brain is just not working and no amount of explaining or trying to "teach him for next time" is going to work. His learning days are over. He does remember the things that are important to him "what's for dessert, today?" 🙂 - he never forgets to ask about that after dinner! Until I suppose one day he will. His ability to be empathetic or be appropriate in his conversation is long gone. He likes being with me and follows me about constantly, sometimes from room to room even when I am only getting one item and then returning, but he has no real appreciation for all of the things that I am handling now that he isn't. I stopped feeling resentful about that at some point, but I do remember being angry and very put out about it. It's still a lot that I have to do on my own with no rational partner to discuss things with, but I just realized one day that there is a very good likelihood that I will be doing all of this on my own when he is gone, so I better use the "now" to get the hang of it. I got all the passwords to things that I need access to, added my name to the accounts that didn't have mine on it (cable, Verizon, etc.), updated POA's Living Wills and all the legal paperwork. At least I have these years to get all of that in place while trying to make his declining years as pleasant and carefree as possible. It is easier now that he is out of the angry, combative phase that we went through. I gave up a career that I loved to be able to stay home and care for him. He is glad I'm home with him, but there isn't any real awareness or appreciation of the sacrifice that I made to make this happen. Like you, this was not at all our plan for retirement and our "golden years". We are taking one day at a time and trying to make the best of each day that we are blessed with.
Sending heart for you on this journey.