@suzleigh sadly, I have had suicidal thoughts and tendencies since as far back as I can remember. I wasn't on any medication until my early 40's, I just felt like I didn't belong and I didn't want to be here. As a child I would chase lightning in hopes of being struck. I mean I would go swimming during a lightning storm. Stand under a tree with a metal rod. Stand in puddles with metal rods, golf glubs.... I was completely reckless with my life not caring whether I made it to the next day or not. When I was 15, I lost a child. A daughter, born 3.5 months early who passed away nearly 8 hours later. Now reaching 50, I still feel like I don't belong anywhere, with anyone (except maybe with animals) and still not really wanting to be here or even having a reason to be here, it's taken nearly dying to make me want to fight to stay alive -> if you understand what I mean 😕