I am praying for you. God loves you just as your are. You are precious in His sight. Childhood can have adverse effects and lead us to believe an untruth about ourselves. I, too, have done things that, too, I thought would make things better, and they have made them worse. Now I rely as much as I can on God's wisdom through prayer.
I hope this doesn't offend you. I am just sharing what worked for me. God bless you!