@bearbayou - your message was insightful, compassion and kind. And, yes, I have looked in the mirror many, many times. No question he was raised in a dysfunctional house hold. I divorced his father after 30 years of marriage. But you see, it's generational. I was emotionally neglected terribly from probably the moment I was born. My mother never bonded with me. And as a result I had to do immense therapy work to even realize this. I was numb for so long and to this day see a therapist/psychiatrist for panic attacks, anxiety & PTSD. I know my son has PTSD also, multiple layers like myself. I gave my son my very best loving care...but did I fail him at times throughout his formative years? Yes, I did. There were times I was completely in a fog. The abnormal became normal to me b/c of my surroundings. I literally had NO support system of any kind from the moment he was born on both sides of the family. And b/c of my PTSD I had no friends either. At his age right now, 41, I was drowning in life but trying to do my best - which, I know, wasn't good enough at many times.
At this point in time, my son's mental health has gotten worse, sadly.
And I continue in a state of confusion as to WHAT exactly is going on with him...if I could get a grip on it, I would be more at peace. He lives far away from me, (but only a 2 hour flight away) and won't move from this city despite nothing but pain since moving there. Yes, I most certainly love my son unconditionally and deeply. My only child. But I don't like his awful and rude behaviors he has exhibited so many times in the past when visiting...Christmas 2022, 2023, 2024 and 2025 were so unhappy because of how he treated me. Not yelling, no violence of any kind but a level of mean passive-aggressiveness that had me/his step father, walking on eggshells so we didn't "make" things worse. If confronted he would challenge me and twist things around, so it became "my" fault. I had to back off as he was making me physically and emotionally ill/stressed. I believe he has/or continues to abuse his prescribed medication Adderall despite his claim of stopping it in November 2025. I snooped while visiting me in August 2025 and found evidence he traveled to where he use to live/work in Canada, saw another psychiatrist there and received 6 month refills ( in May & November 2024) of not only his Adderall but 2 other amphetamines and Xanax. This, in addition, to his refills by his US city psychiatrist. Was this doctor-shopping? He had the gene sight testing done and can not metabolize many medications. He reports to us now severe depression. He works from home and does manage to get out to buy food, MD appts, etc. But that's it. Completely isolated, he dropped all his wonderful & loving friends and not kindly. He lives alone, weekends I believe he spends mostly in bed. Is this from the crashing after amphetamine use? Or it's the depression? I and his father simply don't know. My son has refused x2 to give his permission for me to speak to his psychiatrist who is exactly his age (41) and, I believe, inexperienced to treat him. He now has been under his care for almost 4 years. Has gone through several therapist, claiming he "knows more than them". Several antidepressants have not worked. A low dose anti-psychotic off label to treat his depression has just failed. And his anxiety is very high...if one suffers from depression the twin is anxiety. Is this all drug abuse related? I don't know. I found him out in many lies to me. But b/c of some memory loss, he will say he "told" me something else. This past Christmas he never came to visit. The first time in my life he didn't spend Christmas with me. He missed his first flight & reported he was simply "unable" to get on another. He said he felt like a "failure". But "pretended" he was at the airport at times over the course of 10 days during the holiday. I believe he was in bed, on the United web site, just like I was. He texted me x2 and never answered my Happy New Years text. I had to reach out to him to reestablish contact the 1st week of January and then all he did was say he was sorry and cry on the phone and how "terrible" he felt he never came for the holidays. I have researched so many resources for him, suggested so many self care activities for him, sent his multiple books to read for help, messaged him 100s of encouraging, loving emails/texts to him. Written letters to him...for positive inspiration. All so loving, kind and understanding...trying and trying to encourage him to get his life back on track. At the age of 37 he lost a job he loved (boss stole his thunder) and never recovered. Then his best friend of 30 years died suddenly. Triggers?
Of course. But my son was always so motivated and a very high achiever. Went to the best college and grad school. MBA received in the best international business school in the world in France. Speaks 3 languages. Always at the top of his class. Traveled the world. From the age of 17 he left for college and never looked back. I never held him back, gave him wings to fly. Despite being in a terrible marriage I waited for him to graduated college before divorcing. Should I have divorced when he was 5 years old instead of 21? I don't know. So, yes, I do continue to work on myself always...yes, his life was, at times, in turmoil. Mine was also...but I managed to survive it and thrive in my career, etc. I am sad and disappointed my son can not get back up. And so much more disturbing is I truly don't know WHY...is it substance abuse related or treatment resistant depression?? If I write to his psychiatrist, won't he tell my son of my letter? And knowing my son, he will ask his doctor to read it himself. I am 70 with heart disease and May 2025 has a bilateral mastectomy. I just fell and fractured my elbow. I am not well and time is passing so quickly. I need to see my son well before the Good Lord takes me. I am so afraid I won't see it. Thank you for listening to me and for your insightful posting. So many questions are unanswered and my hands are tied to discover the truth...I would move mountains to help my son...but he simply does not listen to me and, at this point, I am unsure of what HIS truth really is.