I think you share a common, and not often expressed sentiment that we all have. I have told close family that I feel like I am living my life this first year post-RP, in three-month increments. I get my PSA drawn every three months since my April radical prostatectomy. So far, so good...the first three were all < 0.01 ng/ml. I also had a consult with a radiation oncologist because my pT3b type of cancer has a recurrence rate of 25%-50% "within" the first five years post-prostatectomy...it just seems to always come back despite the prostate, two seminal vesicles, and two vas deferens being removed. The radiation oncologist ordered an "Ultrasensitive PSA" (my first), and I got that result literally yesterday of < 0.006 ng/ml, so I feel good about that (normal range is 0.000 - 4.000 ng/ml). He wants a second Ultrasensitive PSA three months from now in April so he has two data points on which to decide "if"/"when" we more seriously consider and start radiation therapy. But...
Yes...I feel what you feel. Once I learned the variety and degrees of prostate cancer that exist, I realized that I am carrying it around on my shoulder like a black raven. It's always there, occasionally pecking at me to remind me it is still there, and every 3-months it whispers in my ear: "I'm coming for you." And someday it will whisper: "I'm baaack, and I am going to kill you." As others have and will offer, I/we just have to live our lives with the knowledge that prostate cancer is very slow growing, and that if/when it starts to show it has come back with biochemical recurrence (BCR) as an newly elevated PSA, we just have to take it, and do whatever our next option treatment(s) are.
I highly recommend strengthening or renewing your faith in God...whatever your beliefs. My faith is strong...I know I will have eternal life, whenever God calls me home from this earthly life. I will hate leaving my children and grandchildren behind, but I also know I will see them again in heaven, so whenever my eventual death will be, I am resolved already to accept it, be it 5 years, 10 years or God-willing 15+ years from now (I am 70 years old with great male longevity in my family 96-100 years old on both sides). I will hate that my body gave up on life, but I know where I am going. By the way, that was a quote of Winston Churchill. Before he dropped dead at some later date, in some prior conversation or interview, he is quoted as saying: "It's not so much that I mind dying, as much as that my body is giving up on life." I always liked that. Good luck to you.