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And the Academy Award goes to... Pretender
Caregivers: Dementia | Last Active: Feb 7 8:10am | Replies (54)Comment receiving replies
@tunared I am the youngest child currently living with my dad (88) and mom (86), who has dementia. I didn't move in to be a caregiver but more of a helper. That was 18 months ago and now I feel like I can't get away. My older siblings are hardly here although my dad seems to trust their opinions more than mine bc they are physicians. Additionally, my dad is very traditional so everything kind of goes in age order - so even though I am the one with the legal and finance CV my brother is executor of the will and my sister has access to his bank account.
Meanwhile, can I mention again that I am the one who is here 24/7? My sister is maybe here for 8 hours a month and my brother 4 but they don't listen to me, they tell I'm doing everything wrong and then turn right around and tell me I'm not doing enough. The one thing we all seem to agree on is that I'm a VERY good cook and housekeeper but alas when they're here hey want to take charge of both and if I explain where a pot is or something I'm told that I'm being controlling and that it's mom and dad's kitchen, not mine. Mom doesn't even know she's at home. Dad is an exhausted skeleton. We have some aides but not enough. I am glad for their love story but my dad seems to need for my mom to need him so he does things that are completely counterintuitive.
For the first time in my 53 years I recently thought of suicide because I am so unhappy and I keep getting told how great ? I have it. I have even been accused of taking advantage of my parents bc I use their Amex (with permission) when I shop for the house. My therapist says I have a toxic family. Oh, did I mention I'm adopted and the only adopted child? I doubt it's relevant but I never even thought about it until now when I am be so poorly treated. Please forgive me but I can wait for my folks to die so I don't have to deal with these people anymore.
Replies to "@tunared I am the youngest child currently living with my dad (88) and mom (86), who..."
@krisingle1 You need to find a good lawyer, discuss your situation and plan a vacation (2-3 weeks) for yourself. Suggest one of them take over your role while you are on vacation. I would also suggest not using the Amex card again because your "loving" sister & brother might come after you for the purchases. I would tell your "loving" sister & brother to start ordering everything for the house. Send them a daily/weekly list of things needed at the house. there are many services available for food delivery (i.e. meals on wheels) and other services. look for a respite place for your father while you are away. take care of yourself because you know your "loving" brother & sister will not take care of you.
@krisingle1
OMG, I feel such sympathy for you! Your siblings make me glad my brother and I were both only children (he is 19 years younger than me, so we were raised as only children). I suppose your siblings are also adjusting to what's happening and trying to cover their own guilt for not doing more (I know I'm being generous to them here, but it is possible). Instead of facing that, they take it out on you.
Someone mentioned you might not want to use the AMEX card anymore because they might come after you for the charges. I don't think that can happen, although you certainly don't want to use it for buying anything for yourself (other than T-paper or other household items that you also use, of course). My brother has never been good with money, and when my mother (who did not have dementia but was in a wheelchair) was alive, she let him use one of her credit cards and he failed to pay it. She couldn't afford to, and the bank that issued it even tried to guilt trip me into paying it. I don't do guilt trips and told them the situation and that if they thought they could take an elderly woman in a wheelchair to court to get the money, go for it. Of course, they didn't because that would never have gone anywhere and it would have cost them more to try.
Is it possible for you to move out and simply help as you can? You don't say whether you were working when you moved in, so I hope you didn't give up a career to do this. When your sister or brother shows up for their few hours a month, leave and go do something for yourself. Let them deal with what you deal with all the time and don't deal with them. You're no spring chicken yourself, and you need to take care of yourself.
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@krisingle1
It would help if you could add exercise to your routine. Heavy exercise increases serotonin in the brain and will make you feel better. When the aids are there go out and run or to a gym.
You are in a very dark place now and might consider calling your therapist.