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First of all, I think you’ve shown great courage and commitment to yourself to seek out answers to your struggles.

It sounds like you could really benefit from therapy, understanding that finding the right therapist can be a challenge. I found my current therapist on line and I have virtual sessions with her (she’s about 200 miles from me). With new insurance rules for virtual sessions, the therapist must be in the same state you live in. You can look for both in-person and virtual therapists at PsychologyToday.com.

I also find so many benefits from listening to podcasts — you might want to stick with the ones who are psychologists/psychiatrists.

Personally, I am also going to be starting ECT in January for lifelong severe depression and dissociation. Perhaps worth a try for you.

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Replies to "First of all, I think you’ve shown great courage and commitment to yourself to seek out..."

@suzleigh
This Connect is so important and helpful. It stirs the brain, and everything it's connected to.
I'd been thinking that Donald Kalsched's work on trauma and DSM 5 diagnoses was new.
I just remembered the award winning 1957! movie, Three Faces of Eve 🫣. A true story. As a young child, Eve was forced to look into a coffin and kiss the corpse good bye. Her "reality" systems couldn't take the trauma, so her psyche "split" into three different personalities to spread and reduce the impact. Kind of "divide and conquer." ( I worked with a client who's mistress had 23. He read When Rabbit Howls).
Dissociation of identities (including catatonia?) is not weird. It's a powerful defense mechanism against overwhelming trauma.
Depending on the degree of trauma and dissociative response, it's difficult to treat because of the depth of the defense to protect the Self or psyche, at ALL costs, even mental "health."
All the kings horses and all the kings men...
Also Prince of Tides, and especially
The Snake Pit, DeHavilland 1948!!!
Thanks for listening.