I also have complex PTSD/Trauma, Dissociative Identify Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder (I fall into Cluster B traits). First, I found it helpful to narrow down BPD. I have the “quiet” variety, but sounds like you might have the “noisy” type. There are plenty of sites with definitions of each.

As to the rest, I have also been through many therapies (CBT, DBT, NARM, ACT, etc. etc.) and none made sense to me. That is until my current therapist introduced me to Internal Family Systems (IFS). For example, in your case, you might find that you have a “part” who is self-destructive. Believe it or not, this part is actually a protector — being self-destructive is a part in your doing things to prevent you from facing more traumatic issues. The dissociation is a big part, again a protector, who has been called on so many times to prevent you from being faced with trauma.

I sit quietly each afternoon to talk to any part who wants to come forward. I’ve had a 24yo part whose husband just left her with a baby and parents who rejected her. She became ‘unburdened’ from this trauma by me telling her that she was not rejected or abandoned — she was liberated from toxic people. I also have children parts who just need love and protection from their abuser.

Do an experiment — sit down in a quiet place and when you’re calm and centered, ask (out loud) “would anyone like to talk to me.” If you get an answer, talk to the part, find out how old it is, what does it fear (assuming it’s been traumatized), and so on. You might then ask the part what you can do to help it feel better. You could ask the part if it would like to be somewhere else (I have parts living large in NYC, in cottages, in the mountains, and in bed asleep).

I’m NOT saying this will work for everyone, but I have a feeling you might be more receptive to it given the challenges you’ve been facing. I unburdened a holiday depression part recently and felt immediately lighter — you do feel this in your body. When you ask to talk to parts, you may start crying, you may feel fear, and will likely feel anxiety. That means a part is there and likely wants to be healed from their anxiety.

There are a lot of articles about IFS and even an app to help you keep track of your parts. Again, give it a try and if it works for you, you will likely say this is the craziest thing you’ve ever done and amazed at how well it works!