@indogirl You aren't broken. I am 55, got sober at 47. I always told myself I was broken as my parents put me in treatment at 14. Relapse, sober, relapse, sober but I finally got sober what I hope is for good. When I got Long COVID, I went into a depression. I resisted medication as I took it on and off for many years, but when drinking and using drugs, antidepressants are really useless. I finally asked my Psychiatrist about getting on a low dose of something as I started having hopelessness. I started taking 30 mg of Cymbalta (duolextine) an SSNRI which helps. I react to medication differently. I am one that meds hit me kind of in reverse. Example, alcohol and narcotics make me hyper. Anyway, you are not broken. Take all this one day at a time. I have to focus on what I can do today. If I stay in the past (which is gone) I can get in the dregs (like I was yesterday, actually) and if I go into the future, I get anxiety. Realizing that I do that has helped as I can catch myself and bring myself back into the moment. You are not alone and I so appreciate you writing your thoughts on here.